The MINISTER was played by
Harold Pinter
The PRESS were played by
members of the company.
The company included
Linda Bassett, Danny Dyer, Douglas Hodge, Patrick Marber, Kika Markham, Catherine McCormack, Corin Redgrave, Samantha Robson, Gary Shelford, Andy de la Tour, Frances de la Tour, Penelope Wilton, Susan Wooldridge, Henry Woolf
Directed by
Gari Jones
PRESS
Sir, before you became Minister of Culture I believe you were the head of the Secret Police.
MINISTER
That is correct.
PRESS
Do you find any contradiction between those two roles?
MINISTER
None whatsoever. As head of Secret Police it was my responsibility, specifically, to protect and to safeguard our cultural inheritance against forces which were intent upon subverting it. We were defending ourselves against the worm. And we still are.
PRESS
The worm?
MINISTER
The worm.
PRESS
As head of the Secret Police what was your policy towards children?
MINISTER
We saw children as a threat if – that is – they were the children of subversive families.
PRESS
So how did you employ your policy towards them?
MINISTER
We abducted them and brought them up properly or we killed them.
PRESS
How did you kill them? What was the method adopted?
MINISTER
We broke their necks.
PRESS
And women?
MINISTER
We raped them. It was all part of an educational process, you see. A cultural process.
PRESS
What was the nature of the culture you were proposing?
MINISTER
A culture based on respect and the rule of law.
PRESS
How do you understand your present role as Minister of Culture?
MINISTER
The Ministry of Culture holds to the same principles as the guardians of National Security. We believe in a healthy, muscular and tender understanding of our cultural heritage and our cultural obligations. These obligations naturally include loyalty to the free market.
PRESS
How about cultural diversity?
MINISTER
We subscribe to cultural diversity, we have faith in a flexible and vigorous exchange of views, we believe in fecundity.
PRESS
And critical dissent?
MINISTER
Critical dissent is acceptable – if it is left at home. My advice is – leave it at home. Keep it under the bed. With the piss pot.
He laughs
Where it belongs.
PRESS
Did you say in the piss pot?
MINISTER
I'll put your head in the piss pot if you're not careful.
He laughs. They laugh.
Let me make myself quite clear. We need critical dissent because it keeps us on our toes. But we don't want to see it in the market place or on the avenues and piazzas of our great cities. We don't want to see it manifested in the houses of any of our great institutions. We are happy for it to remain at home, which means we can pop in at any time and read what is kept under the bed, discuss it with the writer, pat him on the head, shake him by his hand, give him perhaps a minor kick up the arse or in the balls and set fire to the whole shebang. By this method we keep our society free from infection. There is of course, however, always room for confession, retraction and redemption.
PRESS
So you see your role as Minister of Culture as vital and fruitful?
MINISTER
Immensely fruitful. We believe in the innate goodness of your ordinary Jack and your ordinary Jill. This is what we seek to protect. We seek to protect the essential goodness of your ordinary Jack and your ordinary Jill. We understand that as a moral obligation. We are determined to protect them from corruption and subversion with all the means at our disposal.
PRESS
Minister, thank you for your frank words.
MINISTER
It has been my pleasure. Can I say one thing more?
PRESS (various)
Please. Yes. Yes please. Please do. Yes!
MINISTER
Under our philosophy …… he that is lost is found.
Thank you!
Applause. The Minister waves and exits.
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