Ted，February，2013
When I was in my 20s，I saw my very first psychotherapy client.I was a Ph.D.student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top，and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.Now when I heard this，I was so relieved.My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.（Laughter）And I got a twenty something who wanted to talk about boys.This I thought I could handle.
But I didn’t handle it.With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session，it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.
“Thirty‘s the new 20，”Alex would say，and as far as I could tell，she was right.Work happened later，marriage happened later，kids happened later，even death happened later.Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
But before long，my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.I pushed back.I said，“Sure，she’s dating down，she‘s sleeping with a knucklehead，but it’s not like she‘s going to marry the guy.”And then my supervisor said，“Not yet，but she might marry the next one.Besides，the best time to work on Alex’s marriage is before she has one.”
That‘s what psychologists call an“Aha！”moment.That was the moment I realized，30is not the new 20.Yes，people settle down later than they used to，but that didn’t make Alex‘s 20s a developmental downtime.
That made Alex’s 20s a developmental sweet spot，and we were sitting there blowing it.That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem，and it had real consequences，not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of Twentysomethings everywhere.
There are 50million Twentysomethings in the United States right now.We‘re talking about 15percent of the population，or 100percent if you consider that no one’s getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
Raise your hand if you‘re in your 20s.I really want to see some Twentysomethings here.Oh，yay！Y’all‘s awesome.If you work with Twentysomethings，you love a twentysomething，you’re losing sleep over twentysomethings，I want to see—Okay.Awesome，Twentysomethings really matter.
So I specialize in Twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50million Twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists，sociologists，neurologists and fertility specialists already know：that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest，yet most transformative，things you can do for work，for love，for your happiness，maybe even for the world.
This is not my opinion.These are the facts.We know that 80percent of life‘s most defining moments take place by age 35.That means that eight out of 10of the decisions and experiences and“Aha！”moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.
People who are over 40don’t panic.This crowd is going to be fine，I think.We know that the first 10years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you‘re going to earn.We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.
We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood，which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself，now is the time to change it.We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life，and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28，and things get tricky after age 35.
So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.So when we think about child development，we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain.It’s a time when your ordinary，day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become.
But what we hear less about is that there‘s such a thing as adult development，and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.But this isn’t what twentysomethings are hearing.Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.
Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.Journalists coin silly nicknames for Twentysomethings like“twixters”and“kidults”.It‘s true.As a culture，we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things you need a plan and not quite enough time.Isn’t that true？So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say，“You have 10extra years to start your life”？Nothing happens.You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition，and absolutely nothing happens.
And then every day，smart，interesting Twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this：“I know my boyfriend‘s no good for me，but this relationship doesn’t count.I‘m just killing time.”Or they say，“Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I’m 30，I‘ll be fine.”
But then it starts to sound like this：“My 20s are almost over，and I have nothing to show for myself.I had a better résuméthe day after I graduated from college.”And then it starts to sound like this：“Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.Everybody was running around and having fun，but then sometime around 30it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down.”
I didn’t want to be the only one left standing up，so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30.“Where are the Twentysomethings here？Do not do that.Okay，now that sounds a little flip，but make no mistake，the stakes are very high.
When a lot has been pushed to your 30s，there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career，pick a city，partner up，and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.Many of these things are incompatible，and as research is just starting to show，simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn‘t buying a red sports car.It’s realizing you can‘t have that career you now want.It’s realizing you can‘t have that child you now want，or you can’t give your child a sibling.
Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves，and at me，sitting across the room，and say about their 20s，”What was I doing？What was I thinking？“I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
Here‘s a story about how that can go.It’s a story about a woman named Emma.At 25，Emma came to my office because she was，in her words，having an identity crisis.She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment，but she hadn‘t decided yet，so she’d spent the last few years waiting tables instead.
Because it was cheaper，she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition.And as hard as her 20s were，her early life had been even harder.She often cried in our sessions，but then would collect herself by saying，”You can‘t pick your family，but you can pick your friends.“
Well，one day，Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap，and she sobbed for most of the hour.She’d just bought a new address book，and she‘d spent the morning filling in her many contacts，but then she’d been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words”In case of emergency，please call……“
She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said，”Who‘s going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck？Who’s going to take care of me if I have cancer？“Now in that moment，it took everything I had not to say，”I will.“
But what Emma needed wasn‘t some therapist who really，really cared.Emma needed a better life，and I knew this was her chance.I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma’s defining decade went parading by.
So over the next weeks and months，I told Emma three things that every twentysomething，male or female，deserves to hear.
First，I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital.By get identity capital，I mean do something that adds value to who you are.Do something that‘s an investment in who you might want to be next.
I didn’t know the future of Emma‘s career，and no one knows the future of work，but I do know this：Identity capital begets identity capital.So now is the time for that cross-country job，that internship，that startup you want to try.
I’m not discounting twentysomething exploration here，but I am discounting exploration that‘s not supposed to count，which，by the way，is not exploration.That’s procrastination.I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
Second，I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.
Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport，but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know，what they know，how they think，how they speak，and where they work.That new piece of capital，that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle.
New things come from what are called our weak ties，our friends of friends of friends.So yes，half of twentysomethings are un-or under-employed.But half aren‘t，and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.Half of new jobs are never posted，so reaching out to your neighbor’s boss is how you get that un-posted job.It‘s not cheating.It’s the science of how information spreads.
Last but not least，Emma believed that you can‘t pick your family，but you can pick your friends.Now this was true for her growing up，but as a twentysomething，soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.
I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.Now you may be thinking that 30is actually a better time to settle down than 20，or even 25，and I agree with you.But grabbing whoever you’re living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress.
The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one，and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
So what happened to Emma？Well，we went through that address book，and she found an old roommate‘s cousin who worked at an art museum in another state.That weak tie helped her get a job there.That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.
Now，five years later，she’s a special events planner for museums.She‘s married to a man she mindfully chose.She loves her new career，she loves her new family，and she sent me a card that said，”Now the emergency contact blanks don’t seem big enough.“
Now Emma‘s story made that sound easy，but that’s what I love about working with Twentysomethings.They are so easy to help.Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX，bound for somewhere west.Right after takeoff，a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.
Likewise，at 21or 25or even 29，one good conversation，one good break，one good TED Talk，can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.So here‘s an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know.
It’s as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.It‘s what I now have the privilege of saying to Twentysomethings like Emma every single day：Thirty is not the new 20，so claim your adulthood，get some identity capital，use your weak ties，pick your family.Don’t be defined by what you didn‘t know or didn’t do.You‘re deciding your life right now.Thank you.
译文参考
不要浪费你的时间
——梅格·杰伊在TED的演讲
记得我20多岁时，开始接待第一位心理咨询顾客。当时我还是一个Berkeley临床心理学的在读博士生。我的第一位客人是位名为Alex的女性，时年26岁。
第一次见面，Alex穿着牛仔裤和宽松上衣进来，进来之后一下子就栽进我办公室的沙发里，踢掉了脚上的平底鞋。说跟我讨论一下男生的问题。当时我一听就松了一口气，因为我同学的第一位客人是个纵火犯，而我的客人则是一个20出头只想谈谈男生的女孩，我觉得这个我可以搞定。
但是我却没有搞定。因为这个Alex不断地讲着有趣的事情，而我只能简单地点头认同她所说的，之后自然而然就陷入了附和的状态。
Alex说：“30岁是一个新的20岁。”没错，我告诉她“你是对的”。不急着工作，离结婚还早，更别提生孩子，连死亡都不知为何物呢。像Alex和我这样20来岁的人，可能什么都没有但是时间却很多。
但不久之后，我的导师就要我向Alex的感情生活施压了。我反驳说：“虽然她现在正在和别人交往，可能她现在和一个傻瓜男生同居，但看样子她不会和他结婚的。”而我的导师说：“不用急，她也许会和下一个结婚。但修正Alex婚姻观的最好时期正是她还没拥有婚姻的时期。”
这就是心理学家说的“顿悟时刻”。正是那个时候我才意识到，30岁不是一个新的20岁。确实，和以前的人相比，现在人们安定下来变得更晚了，但是这并不代表Alex就能长期处于20多岁的状态。
因为更晚安定下来应该让Alex的20多岁成为黄金的发展时段，而我们却坐在那里无视这个发展的时机。从那时起我意识到这种善意的忽视的确是个问题，它不仅给Alex本身和她的感情生活带来不良后果，而且影响到身处20多岁人的事业、家庭和未来。
现在的美国，有五千万20多岁的年轻人，约占人口的15%。或者可以占100%的人口，因为所有成年人都要经历他们的20多岁。
如果你现在是20多岁，请举手。我很想看看这里有多少20多岁的人。哦，很好。如果你和20多岁的人一起工作，你喜欢20多岁的人，因为一个20多岁的人而辗转难眠的话，请让我看到你们。很棒，看来20多岁的人确实是很受重视的年龄段。
因此我专门研究20多岁的人。我坚信这五千万20多岁的人，每一个人都应该去了解一下那些心理学家、社会学家、神经学家和生育专家已经知道的事实：你的20多岁是极简单但却极具变化的时期之一。20多岁决定了你的事业、爱情、幸福甚至整个世界。
这不是我的看法，但却是事实。我们都知道，你人生中有80%的决定是发生在你35岁之前的。这就意味着你生活的重要决定、经历和突然领悟，有八成是在你30多岁之前发生的。
那些超过40岁的朋友也不要惊慌，我想这群人会没事的。我们知道职业生涯的前10年会对你将来的收入有重大影响。而我们知道到了30岁的时候，超过半数的美国人会结婚或者与未来的另一半同居或者约会。
我们知道，在20多岁的时候人的大脑停止第二次也是最后一次重组，以适应成年世界的快速发育阶段。这就意味着不管你想怎样改变自己，改变的却只有时间了。我们知道在20多岁的时候，性格的改变超过生命中的任何时期。我们也知道女性的最佳生育时期是在28岁，35岁之后生育变得非常辛苦。
所以你的20多岁正是你自我了解和选择的时期。我们回想儿童长大的过程，1～5岁是大脑学习语言和感知的重要时期。在这个时期，日常的普通生活都会对你的未来道路影响巨大。
但是我们却很少听到成年发展期，其实20多岁正是我们成年发展的关键。但是20多岁的人却不再听这些，而报纸讨论的也只有成年年龄界线的变更。
研究者称20多岁是青春期的延续。而记者们就引用傻傻的外号去称呼20多岁的人，比如“老小孩“。这是真的，这是一种文化，让我们忽视对成年时期起决定性作用的十年。
雷昂纳德·伯恩斯坦曾说过：要想取得成就，你需要一个计划和紧迫的时间。这真是大实话啊！所以当你拍着一个20多岁人的脑袋，跟他说，“你有多余的10年去开始你的生活”，你觉得这改变了什么？什么都没改变。你只是夺走了那个人的紧迫感和雄心壮志，除此之外，绝对没有改变什么。
然后每天，那些聪明风趣的20多岁人，就像你们和你们的儿子女儿一样，走入我的办公室说：“我知道我的男朋友对我不够好，但是我们的关系什么都不算。我只是在消磨时光而已。”或者说：“每个人都告诉我只要能在30岁的时候开始我的事业，这就足够了。”
但是事实上，听上去却是：“我马上就要三十了，却根本就没有东西可展示。我只是在大学毕业时有过一份最漂亮的简历而已。”或是这样：“我20多岁时的约会就像找凳子。每个人都绕着凳子跑，随便坐，但是快30的时候就像音乐突然停止了，于是所有人开始坐下了。”
而我不想成为那里唯一站着的人，所以有时候我会想我之所以会结婚，或许就是因为在我30岁时，他是离我最近的那张椅子。现场的20多岁的人，千万不要这样做。这个做法听起来太过轻率，切记犯错，因为风险会很高。
当很多事都被你挤到30多岁的时候，就会有巨大压力，要在很短的时间内快速启动一项事业，选个城市，找到伴侣，并生两三个孩子。而这些事大多是不能同时完成的，正如研究表明，在30岁的时候要想工作和生活一步到位，难度是很大的，压力也会很大。
千禧年之后的中年危机并不是一辆红色跑车，而是意识到你不能拥有你自己想拥有的事业，意识到你不能拥有你自己想要的孩子，或者给你的孩子添几个兄弟姐妹。
看看30多岁40多岁的人，再看看自己。坐在屋子里谈论着自己的20多岁的时光，“我当时都干什么了？我当时都想啥了？”我想改变现在20多岁人的所思所为。
这里我想讲个故事来说明问题。这个故事是关于名叫Emma的女人。她25岁的时候走入我的办公室，用她自己的话说，她已有自我的危机意识。她说她也许想从事艺术或者娱乐工作，但是她还没决定，所以她花了几年的时间去当服务员。
为了减少开销，她和她的男朋友同居，那是一个脾气暴躁而无志向的人。如同她悲惨的20多岁一样，她早年的生活更加悲惨。她经常在谈话中哭泣，在努力镇定下来后说，“你没办法选择你的家庭，但是你可以选择你的朋友。”
有一天，Emma走进来，她双手抱头在膝盖上，然后抽泣了几乎一个小时。她刚买了一个新的通讯录本子，然后她花了整个早上的时间填写她的联系人信息。当她填到紧急情况的联系人的时候，她没有任何人可填。
她几乎崩溃地看着我并说，“如果我被车撞了，谁会在那里？假如我得癌症了，谁会在那里？”在那种情况下，我花了好大力气才忍住说“我会”。
Emma所需要的并不是理疗师的关心。她需要一个更好的生活，而我知道这是她的机会。自Alex开始，我从这份工作学到了很多，不能只是坐在那里看着Emma，看着她那十年黄金定型期白白地消逝。
所以接下来的几个星期乃至几个月，我告诉Emma三件事，这值得所有20多岁的男生女生听一听。
首先，我告诉Emma忘掉她的自我认识危机，去获得一些认证资本。认证资本是指做些自我增值的事。为自己下一步想要做的事情做一些投资。
我不知道Emma的将来是什么样的，也没人知道将来是什么样的，但是我知道：认证资本会创造出更多的认证资本。现在是时候去试着到海外去工作、实习或者开始新的生活的起点了。
我不是小视20多岁的自我探索精神，而是鄙视那些随便玩玩无所谓的探索，或者从某种意义上说那不是探索，那是拖沓！我告诉Emma去寻找工作，并要有所回报。
第二，我告诉Emma不要高估自己的朋友圈。
好朋友会载你去机场，而和“志同道合的朋友”一起瞎混，他们的交际圈、知识面、思维方式、说话方式和工作层面被限制住了。新的资本或者新的约会往往是从圈外来的。
新的事务往往来自我们所谓的“远的关系”，我们朋友的朋友的朋友。没错，半数20多岁的人在处在失业和半失业的状态。但另一半却不是。“远的关系”正是你融入一个新的群体的纽带。半数的新工作是从来没有公示过，所以联络你邻居的老板可能正是你找到那些未公示工作的方法。我不称之为作弊，这是信息传播的科学方式。
最后一点也很重要，Emma相信无法选择家庭，但是可以选择朋友。这是她的现状，作为一个20多岁的人，Emma很快会与某人为伴组建她自己的新家庭。
我告诉Emma，现在就是你选择组建你家庭的时候。现在你也许会想，比起20岁，到25岁或30岁时组建家庭会更好。我同意你的看法。但是当你的Facebook上的朋友都开始步入婚姻殿堂时，你可能会随便抓一个人一起生活，但这绝对不是组建家庭的正常过程。
经营婚姻的最佳时间是你还没结婚的时候，这意味要像你精心谋划一份工作一样。选择你的家庭是有意识地去选择你想要的人和事，而不是为了结婚或者消磨时光，任意选择一个正好选择你的人。
Emma最后发生了什么变化呢？我们翻了一遍她的通讯录，发现她原来舍友的表妹在另一个州的一家艺术博物馆工作。正是这层关系帮助她在那里得到一份工作。这份工作给了她一个离开同居的男友的理由。
现在五年过去了，她成为了那家博物馆特别活动策划者。她也和一个她用心选择的男人结婚了。她爱她的事业，她爱她的新家，她寄给我一张贺卡写道，“现在紧急联系栏似乎不够填呢”。
Emma的故事听起来似乎很简单，也正是如此，我才爱和20多岁的人打交道，因为帮助20多岁的人很容易。20多岁就像离开洛杉矶飞往西部某处的飞机，起飞之后，一点小小变化都会影响到它最终的降落地，到底是阿拉斯加还是斐济。
同理，在你21岁，25岁甚至29岁的时候，一次好的谈话、好的休息、好的TED演讲，都能在未来的几年甚至几代人的时间里产生巨大的影响。这个想法值得传达给每一个你所认识的20多岁人。
这想法就如我后来告诉Alex的话一样简单。我应该每天都对Emma这样的20多岁的人说：30岁不是一个新的20岁，所以规划好你以后的成年生活，并获得一些存在感，利用你的关系，选择你的家庭。不要被你所不知道的，从未做过的事所禁锢。你现在的作为决定着你的人生。谢谢。
·That claiming your 20s is one of the simplest，yet most transformative，things you can do for work，for love，for your happiness，maybe even for the world.
你的20多岁是极简单但却极具变化的时期之一。你在20多岁决定了你的事业、爱情、幸福甚至整个世界。
·We know that 80percent of life‘s most defining moments take place by age 35.That means that eight out of 10of the decisions and experiences and“Aha！”moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.
你人生中有80%的决定是发生在你35岁之前的。这就意味着你生活的重要决定、经历和突然领悟，有八成是在你30多岁之前发生的。
·Whatever it is you want to change about yourself，now is the time to change it.We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life.
不管你想怎样改变自己，改变的却只有时间了。我们知道在20多岁的时候，性格改变超过生命中任何时期的改变。
·By get identity capital，I mean do something that adds value to who you are.Do something that’s an investment in who you might want to be next.
认证资本是指做些自我增值的事。为自己下一步想要做的事情做一些投资。
·Identity capital begets identity capital.So now is the time for that cross-country job，that internship，that startup you want to try.
认证资本会创造出更多认证资本。现在是时候去试着到海外去工作、实习或者开始新的生活的起点了。
·I‘m not discounting twenty something exploration here，but I am discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count，which，by the way，is not exploration.That‘s procrastination.
我不是小视20多岁的自我探索精神，而是鄙视那些随便玩玩无所谓的探索精神，或者从某种意义上说那不是探索，那是拖沓。
·Twenty some things who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know，what they know，how they think，how they speak，and where they work.That new piece of capital，that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle.
“志同道合的朋友”一起瞎混的20多岁的人，他们的交际圈、知识面、思维方式、说话方式和工作层面是都已被限制住了。新的资本或者新的约会往往是从内部交际圈之外来的。
·The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one，and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
经营你婚姻的最佳时间是你还没结婚的时候，这意味要像你精心谋划一份工作一样。选择你的家庭是有意识地去选择你想要的人和事，而不是为了结婚或者消磨时光，任意选择一个正好选择你的人。
文化采撷
TED：美国符号
TED（指technology，entertainment，design在英语中的缩写，即技术、娱乐、设计）是美国的一家私有非营利机构，该机构以它组织的TED大会著称。每年3月，TED大会在美国召集众多科学、设计、文学、音乐等领域的杰出人物，分享他们关于技术、社会、人类的思考和探索。
这个会议的宗旨是“用思想的力量来改变世界”。TED演讲的特点是毫无繁杂冗长的专业讲座，观点响亮，开门见山，种类繁多，看法新颖。每一个TED演讲的时间通常都是18分钟以内，但是，由于演讲者对于自己所从事的事业有一种深深的热爱，他们的演讲也往往最能打动听者的心，并引起人们的思考与进一步探索。很多都很值得大家分享。参加过TED的人会说，说不定你身边坐的就是一位著名的诺贝尔物理学奖得主或著名的社会活动家。在四天的会期里，你听到许多看似不相关的演讲，有很多你甚至根本听不懂。但正是在这样一种交流当中，在思想的碰撞当中，就诞生出了伟大的东西。
曾经，知识经济中的人说，你要保护如黄金般的知识，这是你唯一的价值。但是，当全球都联系在一起时，游戏规则改变了，每个人都互相关联，一切都会快速发展。当知识传播出去后，会以最快速度到达全球各地，得到反馈，得以传播，而它的潜在价值是无形的。
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