EVERYTHING CONSPIRES AGAINST me. I met Miss B—walking to-day. I could not help joining her;and,when we were at a little distance from her companions,I expressed my sense of her altered manner toward me. "O Werther!"she said,in a tone of emotion,"you,who know my heart,how could you so ill interpret my distress?What did I not suffer for you,from the moment you entered the room!I foresaw it all,a hundred times was I on the point of mentioning it to you. I knew that the S—s and T—s,with their husbands,would quit the room,rather than remain in your company. I knew that the count would not break with them,and now so much is said about it.""How!"I exclaimed,and endeavoured to conceal my emotion;for all that Adelin had mentioned to me yesterday recurred to me painfully at that moment."Oh,how much it has already cost me!"said this amiable girl,while her eyes filled with tears. I could scarcely contain myself,and was ready to throw myself at her feet. "Explain yourself!"I cried. Tears flowed down her cheeks. I became quite frantic. She wiped them away,without attempting to conceal them. "You know my aunt,"she continued; "she was present; and in what light does she consider the affair!Last night,and this morning,Werther,I was compelled to listen to a lecture upon my acquaintance with you. I have been obliged to hear you condemned and depreciated; and I could not—I dared not—say much in your defence.”
Every word she uttered was a dagger to my heart. She did not feel what a mercy it would have been to conceal everything from me. She told me,in addition,all the impertinence that would be further circulated,and how the malicious would triumph;how they would rejoice over the punishment of my pride,over my humiliation for that want of esteem for others with which I had often been reproached. To hear all this,Wilhelm,uttered by her in a voice of the most sincere sympathy,awakened all my passions;and I am still in a state of extreme excitement. I wish I could find a man to jeer me about this event. I would sacrifice him to my resentment. The sight of his blood might possibly be a relief to my fury. A hundred times have I seized a dagger,to give ease to this oppressed heart. Naturalists tell of a noble race of horses that instinctively open a vein with their teeth,when heated and exhausted by a long course,in order to breathe more freely. I am often tempted to open a vein,to procure for myself everlasting liberty.
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