His mother kept her eyes fixed reproachfully on his face.The woman with the protruding teeth was looking at him avidly as if he were a type of monster new to her.
"Do you have a light?he asked the Negro.
Without looking away from his paper,the man reached in his pocket and handed him a packet of matches.
"Thanks,Julian said.For a moment he held the matches foolishly.A NO SMOKING sign looked down upon him from over the door.This alone would not have deterred him;he had no cigarettes.He had quit smoking some months before because he could not afford it."Sorry,he muttered and handed back the matches.The Negro lowered the paper and gave him an annoyed look.He took the matches and raised the paper again.
His mother continued to gaze at him but she did not take advantage of his momentary discomfort.Her eyes retained their battered look.Her face seemed to be unnaturally red,as if her blood pressure had risen.Julian allowed no glimmer of sympathy to show on his face.Having got the advantage,he wanted desperately to keep it and carry it through.He would have liked to teach her a lesson that would last her a while,but there seemed no way to continue the point.The Negro refused to come out from behind his paper.
Julian folded his arms and looked stolidly before him,facing her but as if he did not see her,as if he had ceased to recognize her existence.He visualized a scene in which,the bus having reached their stop,he would remain in his seat and when she said,"Aren't you going to get off?he would look at her as a stranger who had rashly addressed him.The corner they got off on was usually deserted,but it was well lighted and it would not hurt her to walk by herself the four blocks to the Y.He decided to wait until the time came and then decide whether or not he would let her get off by herself.He would have to be at the Y at ten to bring her back,but he could leave her wondering if he was going to show up.There was no reason for her to think she could always depend on him.
He retired again into the high-ceilinged room sparsely settled with large pieces of antique furniture.His soul expanded momentarily but then he became aware of his mother across from him and the vision shriveled.He studied her coldly.Her feet in little pumps dangled like a child's and did not quite reach the floor.She was training on him an exaggerated look of reproach.He felt completely detached from her.At that moment he could with pleasure have slapped her as he would have slapped a particularly obnoxious child in his charge.
He began to imagine various unlikely ways by which he could teach her a lesson.He might make friends with some distinguished Negro professor or lawyer and bring him home to spend the evening.He would be entirely justified but her blood pressure would rise to 300.He could not push her to the extent of making her have a stroke,and moreover,he had never been successful at making any Negro friends.He had tried to strike up an acquaintance on the bus with some of the better types,with ones that looked like professors or ministers or lawyers.One morning he had sat down next to a distinguished-looking dark brown man who had answered his questions with a sonorous solemnity but who had turned out to be an undertaker.Another day he had sat down beside a cigar-smoking Negro with a diamond ring on his finger,but after a few stilted pleasantries,the Negro had rung the buzzer and risen,slipping two lottery tickets into Julian's hand as he climbed over him to leave.
He imagined his mother lying desperately ill and his being able to secure only a Negro doctor for her.He toyed with that idea for a few minutes and then dropped it for a momentary vision of himself participating as a sympathizer in a sit-in demonstration.This was possible but he did not linger with it.Instead,he approached the ultimate horror.He brought home a beautiful suspiciously Negroid woman.Prepare yourself,he said.There is nothing you can do about it.This is the woman I've chosen.She's intelligent,dignified,even good,and she's suffered and she hasn't thought it fun.Now persecute us,go ahead and persecute us.Drive her out of here,but remember,you're driving me too.His eyes were narrowed and through the indignation he had generated,he saw his mother across the aisle,purple-faced,shrunken to the dwarf-like proportions of her moral nature,sitting like a mummy beneath the ridiculous banner of her hat.
He was tilted out of his fantasy again as the bus stopped.The door opened with a sucking hiss and out of the dark a large,gaily dressed,sullen-looking colored woman got on with a little boy.The child,who might have been four,had on a short plaid suit and a Tyrolean hat with a blue feather in it.Julian hoped that he would sit down beside him and that the woman would push in beside his mother.He could think of no better arrangement.
As she waited for her tokens,the woman was surveying the seating possibilities—he hoped with the idea of sitting where she was least wanted.There was something familiar-looking about her but Julian could not place what it was.She was a giant of a woman.Her face was set not only to meet opposition but to seek it out.The downward tilt of her large lower lip was like a warning sign:DON'T TAMPER WITH ME.Her bulging figure was encased in a green crepe dress and her feet overflowed in red shoes.She had on a hideous hat.A purple velvet flap came down on one side of it and stood up on the other;the rest of it was green and looked like a cushion with the stuffing out.She carried a mammoth red pocketbook that bulged throughout as if it were stuffed with rocks.
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