no more time I say it as I hear it murmur it in the mud I'm sinking sinking fast too strong no more head imagination spent no more breath
the vast past near and far the old today of the extreme old even the humming-bird known as the passing moment all that
the vast past even the humming-bird it comes in from the left I watch it fly lightning semi-circle deasil then respite then the next then then or eyes closed it's preferable head bowed or not before the storm brief blanks good moments brief blacks then zzizz the next all that
all that almost blank that was so adorned a few traces that's all seeing who I always more or less so little so little there but there little there but there no alternative
before Pim long before with Pim vast tracts of time kinds of thoughts same family divers doubts emotions too yes emotions some with tears yes tears motions too and movements both parts and whole as when he sets out to seek out all of him sets out to seek out the true home
there then more or less more of old less of late very little these last tracts they are the last extremely little hardly at all a few seconds on and off enough to mark a life several lives crosses everywhere indelible traces
all that almost blank nothing to get out of it almost nothing nothing to put in that's the saddest that would be the saddest imagination on the decline having attained the bottom what one calls sinking one is tempted
or ascending heaven at last no place like it in the end
or not stirring that too that's defendable half in the mud half out
no more head in any case hardly any no more heart just enough to be thankful for it a little thankful to be so little there and sinking a little at last having attained the bottom
a little cheerful the less you're there the more you're cheerful when you're there less tears a little less when you're there words lacking all lacking less tears for lack of words lack of food even birth it's lacking all that makes you cheerful it must be that all that a little more cheerful
how it was that's lacking before Pim with Pim all lost almost all nothing left almost nothing but it's done great blessing leaving only sithence how it was after Pim how it is vast stretch of time before Pim with Pim vast tracts of time a few minutes on and off added up vast stretch eternity same scale of magnitude nothing there almost nothing
clench the eyes I quote on not the blue the others at the back see something somewhere after Pim that's all is left breath in a head nothing left but a head nothing in it almost nothing only breath pant pant hundred to the minute hold it be it held ten seconds fifteen seconds hear something try and hear a few old words after Pim how it was how it is quick
Pim quick after Pim before he vanishes never was only me me Pim how it was before me with me after me how it is quick
a sack bravo colour of mud in the mud quick say a sack colour of its surroundings having assumed it always had it it's one or the other seek no further what else that thing could possibly be so many things say sack old word first to come one syllable k at the end seek no other all would vanish a sack that will do the word the thing it's a possible thing in this world so little possible yes world what more can you ask a possible thing see it name it name it see it enough now rest I'll be back no alternative some day
stop panting say what you hear see what you say say you see it an arm colour of mud the hand in the sack quick say an arm then another say another arm see it stretched taut as though too short to reach now add a hand fingers parted stretched taut monstrous nails all that say you see all that
a body what matter say a body see a body all the rear white originally some light spots still say grey of hair growing still that's enough a head say a head say you've seen a head all that all the possible a sack with food a body entire alive still yes living stop panting let it stop ten seconds fifteen seconds hear this breath token of life hear it said say you hear it good pant on
on and off as if borne on the wind but not a breath sharp and faint God's old clapper old mill threshing the void or in another mood as though it changed great shears of the black old hag older than the world born of night click clack click clack two threads a second five every two never mine
no more I'll hear no more see no more yes I must to make an end a few more old words find a few more not quite so old as when Pim part two those are done never were but old too vast stretch of time this voice these voices as if borne on all the winds but not a breath another antiquity a little more recent stop panting let it stop ten seconds fifteen seconds a few old words on and off string them together make phrases
a few old images always the same no more blue the blue is done never was the sack the arms the body the mud the dark living hair and nails all that
my voice no objection back at last a voice back at last in my mouth my mouth no objection a voice at last in the dark the mud unimaginable tracts of time
this breath hold this breath be it held once twice per day and night the time that means to those under whom and all above and all about the earth turns and all turns who hasten so from one goal to the next that but for this breath I would fancy I hear their hastening feet hold it be it held ten seconds fifteen seconds try and hear
of this old tale quaqua on all sides then in me bits and scraps try and hear a few scraps two or three each time per day and night string them together make phrases more phrases the last how it was after Pim how it is something wrong there end of part three and last
this voice these voices no knowing not meaning a choir no no only one but quaqua meaning on all sides megaphones possibly technique something wrong there
wrong for never twice the same unless time vast tracts aged out of recognition no for often fresher stronger after than before unless sickness sorrow they sometimes pass one feels better less wretched after than before
unless recordings on ebonite or suchlike a whole life generations on ebonite one can imagine it nothing to prevent one mix it all up change the natural order play about with that
unless unchanging after all the voice we're talking of the voice and all my fault lack of attention want of memory the various times mixed up in my head all the various times before during after vast tracts of time
and always the same old thing the same old things possible and impossible or me my fault who can find nothing else when the panting stops hear nothing else the same old things four or five a few adornments life above little scenes
things said to me said of me to whom else of whom else clench the eyes try and see another to whom of whom to whom of me of whom to me or even a third clench the eyes try and see a third mix up all that
quaqua the voice of us all who all all those here before me and to come alone in this wallow or glued together all the Pims tormentors promoted victims past if it ever passes and to come that's sure more than ever by the earth undone its light all those
from it I learn from it I learnt what little remained learn what little remains of how it was before Pim with Pim after Pim and how it is for that too it found words
for how it would be when I had it no more before I had mine that vast pit and when I had it at last that vast stretch how it would be then when I had mine at last and when I had it no more mine no more how it would be then
the moment when I would need to say and could not mamma papa hear those sounds slake my thirst for labials and could not from then on words for that moment and following vast stretch of time
movements for nothing of the lower face no sound no word and then not even that no further point no more reliance to be placed on that when it's the last hope look for something else how it would be then words for that
from it all that of that so little what little remains I've named myself the panting stops and I am an instant that old ever dwindling little that I think I hear of an ancient voice quaqua on all sides the voice of us all as many as we are as many as we'll end if we ever end by having been something wrong there
namely days of great gaiety thicker than on earth since the age of gold above in the light the leaves fallen dead
some on the bought flutter on to the reawakening black dead flaunting in the green shit yes some in this condition manage two springs a summer and half three-quarters
before Pim the journey part one right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards halt nap a sardine or suchlike tongue in the mud an image or two little scenes mute words hang on off again push pull all that part one but before that again
another story leave it dark no the same story not two stories leave it dark all the same like the rest a little darker a few words all the same a few old words like for the rest stop panting let it stop
try and hear a few old words on and off string them together in a phrase a few phrases try and see how it can possibly have been not before Pim that's done part one before that again vast stretch of time
two there were two of us his hand on my arse someone had come Bom Bem one syllable m at the end all that matters Bem had come to cleave to me see later Pim and me I had come to cleave to Pim the same thing except that me Pim Bem me Bem left me south
Bem come to cleave to me where I lay abandoned to give me a name his name to give me a life make me talk of a life said to have been mine above in the light before I fell all the already said part two with Pim another part two before part one except that me Pim Bem me Bem left me south I hear it murmur it in the mud
together then life in common me Bem he Bem we Bem vast stretch of time until the day hear day say day murmur it don't be ashamed as if there were an earth a sun moments of less dark more dark there laugh
dark bright those words each time they come night day shadow light that family the wish to laugh each time no sometimes three every ten four every fifteen that ratio try sometimes same ratio succeed sometimes same ratio
bright dark that family for every hundred times they come three laughs four laughs brought off the kind that convulse an instant resurrect an instant then leave for deader than before
until the day murmur day don't be ashamed when to his surprise something there Bem alone in the dark the mud and end for him of that part for me too to my surprise too something there too as I depart right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards towards Pim unwitting long long journey
time to forget all lose all be ignorant of all whence I come whither I go frequent halts brief naps a sardine tongue in the mud loss of the speech so dearly regained a few images skies homes little scenes falls half out of species brief movements of the lower no sound loss of the noble name of Bem part one before Pim how it was vast stretch of time it's done
it's come it's said it's murmured in the mud how it was not before Pim that's done part one before that again vast stretch of time very pretty but not right something wrong something quite wrong
it's the sack Pim left me without his sack he left his sack with me I left my sack with Bem I'll leave my sack with Bom I left Bem without my sack to go towards Pim it's the sack
Bem then I was with Bem before going towards Pim I left Bem then without my sack and yet that sack that I had going towards Pim part one that sack that I had
that sack then that I did not have on leaving Bem and that I had going towards Pim not knowing I had left anyone was going towards anyone that sack then that I had I must have found it there's reason in me yet that sack without which no journey
a sack no doing without a sack without food when you journey as we have seen should have seen part one no doing without them it's regulated thus we're regulated thus
leaving then without a sack I had a sack I had found it on my way there is that difficulty overcome we leave our sacks to those who do not need them we take their sacks from those who soon will need them we leave without a sack we find one on our way we can continue on our way
a sack that if one died here one might say had belonged to one dead at last having let it go at the last then sunk beneath the mud but no and so a simple sack pure and simple a small coal-sack to the feel five stone six stone wet jute food inside
a simple sack then pure and simple that no sooner on our way without food or thought of ever finding any or memory of ever having had any or notion of ever needing any we find no sooner on our way in the dark the mud for a journey that would otherwise be brief and is not brief vast stretch of time and appropriate to ourselves and lose a little before arrival together with the uneaten food as we have seen part one how it was before Pim
more sacks here then than souls infinitely if we journey infinitely and what infinite loss without profit there is that difficulty overcome something wrong there
at the instant I leave Bem another leaves Pim and let us be at that instant one hundred thousand strong then fifty thousand departures fifty thousand abandoned no sun no earth nothing turning the same instant always everywhere
at the instant I reach Pim another reaches Bem we are regulated thus our justice wills it thus fifty thousand couples again at the same instant the same everywhere with the same space between them it's mathematical it's our justice in this muck where all is identical our ways and way of faring right leg right arm push pull
as long as I with Pim the other with Bem a hundred thousand prone glued two by two together vast stretch of time nothing stirring save the tormentors those whose turn it is on and off right arm claw the armpit for the song carve the scriptions plunge the opener pestle the kidney all the needful
at the instant Pim leaves me and goes towards the other Bem leaves the other and comes towards me I place myself at my point of view migration of slime-worms then or tailed latrinal scissiparous frenzy days of great gaiety
at the instant Pim reaches the other to form again with him the only couple he forms apart from the one with me Bem reaches me to form with me the only couple he forms apart from the one with the other
illumination here Bem is therefore Bom or Bom Bem and the voice quaqua from which I get my life these scraps of life in me when the panting stops of three things one
when according to me it said Bem speaking of how it was before the journey part one and Bom speaking of how it will be after the abandon part three and last it said in reality
it said in reality in the one case as in the other either Bem solely or solely Bom
or it said in reality now Bem now Bom through carelessness or inadvertence not realizing that it varied I personify it it personifies itself
or finally it passed prepensely from the one to the other according as it spoke of how it was before the journey or of how it will be after the abandon through ignorance not realizing that Bem and Bom could only be one and the same
that it was vain to wish for him an unfamiliar guise whose coming it announced right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards
that he was necessarily that ancient other whom it said I had suffered then forsaken to go towards Pim as Pim me suffered then forsaken to go towards his other
to no unwitting all here unwitting our justice go never from never towards
unwitting that each always leaves the same always goes towards the same always loses the same always goes towards him who leaves him always leaves him who goes towards him our justice
millions millions there are millions of us and there are there I place myself at my point of view Bem is Bom Bom Bem let us say Bom it's preferable Bom then me and Pim me in the middle
so in me I quote on when the panting stops scraps of that ancient voice on itself its errors and exactitudes on us millions on us three our couples journeys and abandons on me alone I quote on my imaginary journeys imaginary brothers in me when the panting stops that was without quaqua on all sides bits and scraps I murmur them
a voice which if I had a voice I might have taken for mine which at the instant I hear it I quote on is also heard by him whom Bom left to come towards me and by him to go towards whom Pim left me and if we are a million strong by the other 499997 abandoned
the same voice the same things nothing changing but the names and hardly they two are enough nameless each awaits his Bom nameless goes towards his Pim
Bom to the abandoned not me Bom you Bom we Bom but me Bom you Pim I to the abandoned not me Pim you Pim we Pim but me Bom you Pim something very wrong there so eternally I quote on something lost there
so eternally now Bom now Pim something wrong there according as left or right north or south tormentor or victim these words too strong tormentor always of the same and victim always of the same and now alone journeying abandoned all alone nameless all these words too strong almost all a little too strong I say it as I hear it
or one alone one name alone the noble name of Pim and I hear wrong or the voice says wrong and when I hear Bom or it says Bom in me when the panting stops the scrap Bom that was without quaqua on all sides
when I hear or in fact it says that before going towards Pim part one I was with Bom as Pim with me part two
and that at this moment part three right leg right arm push pull Bom towards me as I towards Pim part one
it's Pim that should be heard Pim that should have been said that I was with Pim before going towards Pim part one and that at this moment part three Pim towards me as I towards Pim part one right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards
a million then if a million strong a million Pims now motionless agglutinated two by two in the interests of torment too strong five hundred thousand little heaps colour of mud and now a thousand thousand nameless solitaries half abandoned half abandoning
and three if three when in me the panting stops this voice which was without quaqua on all sides when I hear it speak of millions and of three which if I had a voice I quote a little heart a little head I might take for mine then I alone hear it who alone am abandoned
alone murmur of millions and of three our journeys couples and abandons and the name we give to one another and give and give again
alone hear these scraps and murmur them in the mud to the mud my two companions as we have seen being on their way he who is coming towards me and he who is going from me something wrong there that is to say each in his part one
or in his part five or nine or thirteen so on
correct
whereas the voice as we have seen peculiar to part three or seven or eleven or fifteen so on just as the couple to part two or four or six or eight so on
correct
assuming one prefers the order here proposed namely one the journey two the couple three the abandon to that to those to be obtained by starting with the abandon and ending with the journey by way of the couple or by starting with the couple and ending with the
with the couple
by way of the abandon
or of the journey
correct
something wrong there
and if on the contrary I alone then no further problem a solution which without a serious effort of the imagination it would seem difficult to avoid
as for example our course a closed curve and let us be numbered 1 to 1000000 then number 1000000 on leaving his tormentor number 999999 instead of launching forth into the wilderness towards an inexistent victim proceeds towards number 1
and number 1 forsaken by his victim number 2 does not remain eternally bereft of tormentor since this latter as we have seen in the person of number 1000000 is approaching with all the speed he can muster right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards
and three if only three of us and so numbered only 1 to 3 four rather it's preferable clearer picture if only four of us and so numbered only 1 to 4
then two places only at the extremities of the greatest chord say A and B for the four couples the four abandoned
two tracks only of a semi-orbit each say how shall we say AB and BA for the travellers
let me for example be numbered 1 it's not asking a great deal and at a given moment find myself abandoned that is to say again abandoned at the extremity A of the great chord and assuming we turn deasil
then before I can find myself again at the same point and in much the same state I shall have been successively
victim of number 4 at A en route along AB tormentor of number 2 at B abandoned again but this time at B victim again of number 4 but this time at B en route again but this time along BA tormentor of number 2 again but this time at A and finally abandoned again at A and all set to begin again
correct
for each one of us then if only four of us before the initial situation can be restored two abandons two journeys four couplings of which two on the left or north tormenting always the same in my case number 2 and two on the right or south tormented always by the same in my case number 4
as for number 3 I do not know him nor consequently he me just as number 2 and number 4 do not know each other
for each of us then if only four of us one of us for ever unknown or known only by repute there is that possibility
I frequent number 4 and number 2 in my quality of victim and tormentor respectively and number 2 and number 4 frequent number 3 in their quality of tormentor and victim respectively
possible then in principle that to number 3 on the one hand through my victim whose victim he is and on the other through my tormentor whose tormentor he is possible then I repeat I quote in principle that to number 3 I am not a total stranger without our ever having occasion to meet
similarly if a million strong each knows personally only his tormentor and victim in other words him who comes immediately behind him and him who goes immediately before him
and by them alone is personally known
but may quite conceivably in principle know by repute the 999997 others whom by virtue of his position in the round he has never occasion to meet
and by repute by them be known
for take twenty consecutive numbers
no matter which no matter which it is irrelevant
814326 to 814345
number 814327 may speak misnomer the tormentors being mute as we have seen part two may speak of number 814326 to number 814328 who may speak of him to number 814329 who may speak of him to number 814330 and so on to number 814345 who in this way may know number 814326 by repute
similarly number 814326 may know by repute number 814345 number 814344 having spoken of him to number 814343 and this last to number 814342 and this last to number 814341 and so back to number 814326 who in this way may know number 814345 by repute
rumour transmissible ad infinitum in either direction
from left to right through the confidences of the tormentor to his victim who repeats them to his
from right to left through the confidences of the victim to his tormentor who repeats them to his
all these words I repeat I quote on victims tormentors confidences repeat quote I and the others all these words too strong I say it again as I hear it again murmur it again to the mud infinitum alone commensurate with us
but question to what purpose
for when number 814336 describes number 814337 to number 814335 and number 814335 to number 814337 for example he is merely in fact describing himself to two lifelong acquaintances
so to what purpose
moreover the thing would appear to be impossible
for number 814336 as we have seen by the time he reaches number 814337 has long since forgotten all he ever knew of number 814335 as completely as though he had never been and by the time number 814335 reaches him as we have also seen has long since forgotten all he ever knew of number 814337 vast stretch of time
so true it is that here one knows one's tormentor only as long as it takes to suffer him and one's victim only as long as it takes to enjoy him if as long
and these same couples that eternally form and form again all along this immense circuit that the millionth time that's conceivable is as the inconceivable first and always two strangers uniting in the interests of torment
and when on the unpredictable arse for the millionth time the groping hand descends that for the hand it is the first arse for the arse the first hand
something wrong there
so true the panting stops I hear it I murmur it to the mud so true all that is
so no acquaintance by hearsay and as for the other or personal acquired by frequentation that which with his tormentor on the one hand with his victim on the other each one of us may boast as for it
when you think of the couple we were Pim and I part two and shall be again part six ten fourteen so on each time for the unthinkable first when you think of that
what we were then each for himself and for the other
glued together like a single body in the dark the mud
how at each instant each ceased and was there no more either for himself or for the other vast tracts of time
and when we came back to be together for an instant again when you think of that
cruelty suffering so paltry and brief
the paltry need of a life a voice of one who has neither
the voice extorted a few words life because of cry that's the proof good and deep no more is needed a little cry all is not dead one drinks one gives to drink goodbye
they were I quote good moments somehow or other good moments when you think
Pim and me part two and Bom and me part four what that will be
to say after that that we knew each other personally even then
glued together like a single body in the dark the mud
motionless but for one right arm brief flurry on and off all the needful
to say after that that I knew Pim that Pim knew me and Bom and I that we shall know each other even fleetingly
you may say yes and you may say no it depends on what you hear
it's no I'm sorry no one here knows anyone either personally or otherwise it's the no that turns up I murmur it
and no again I'm sorry again no one here knows himself it's the place without knowledge whence no doubt its peerlessness
whether four then revolving or a million four strangers a million strangers to themselves to one another but here I quote on we do not revolve
that is above in the light where their space is measured here the straight line the straight line eastward strange and death in the west as a rule
so neither four nor a million
nor ten million nor twenty million nor any finite number even or uneven however great because of our justice which wills that not one were we fifty million not a single one among us be wronged
not one deprived of tormentor as number 1 would be not one deprived of victim as number 50000000 would be assuming this latter at the head of the procession which wends as we have seen from left to right or if you prefer from west to east
and that there be never offered to the eyes of
of whom
of him in charge of the sacks
possible
to his eyes the spectacle on the one hand of a single one among us towards whom no one ever goes and on the other of a single other who never goes towards anyone it would be an injustice and that is above in the light
in other words in simple words I quote on either I am alone and no further problem or else we are innumerable and no further problem either
save that of conceiving but no doubt it can be done a procession in a straight line with neither head nor tail in the dark the mud with all the various infinitudes that such a conception involves
nothing to be done in any case we have our being in justice I have never heard anything to the contrary
with that of a slowness difficult to conceive the procession we are talking of a procession advancing in jerks or spasms like shit in the guts till one wonders days of great gaiety if we shall not end one after another or two by two by being shat into the open air the light of day the regimen of grace
a slowness of which figures alone however arbitrary can give a feeble idea
allowing then I quote twenty years for the journey and knowing furthermore from having heard so that the four phases through which we pass the two kinds of solitude the two kinds of company through which tormentors abandoned victims travellers we all pass and pass again being regulated thus are of equal duration
knowing furthermore by the same courtesy that the journey is accomplished in stages ten yards fifteen yards at the rate of say it's reasonable to say one stage per month this word these words months years I murmur them
four by twenty eighty twelve and half by twelve one hundred and fifty by twenty three thousand divided by eighty thirty-seven and a half thirty-seven to thirty-eight say forty yards a year we advance
correct
from left to right we advance each one advances and all advance from west to east year in year out in the dark the mud in torment and solitude at the speed of thirty-seven to thirty-eight say forty yards a year we advance
such the feeble idea of our slowness given by these figures of which it is sufficient to admit and no doubt it can be done on the one hand that assigned to the duration of the journey and on the other those expressing the length and frequency of the stage to obtain this feeble idea of our slowness
our slowness the slowness of our procession from left to right in the dark the mud
an image in its discontinuity of the journeys of which it is the sum made up of stages and of halts and of those stages of which the journey is the sum
when we crawl in an amble right leg right arm push pull flat on face mute maledictions left leg left arm push pull flat on face mute maledictions ten yards fifteen yards halt
all that once without quaqua on all sides now in me when the panting stops all that fainter weaker but still audible less clear but the purport in me when the panting stops
and that here in truth all discontinuous journey images torment even solitude part three when a voice speaks then stops a few scraps then nothing more save the dark the mud all discontinuous save the dark the mud
an image too of this voice ten words fifteen words long silence ten words fifteen words long silence long solitude once without quaqua on all sides vast stretch of time then in me when the panting stops scraps
from it everything I know how it was before Pim before that again with Pim after Pim how it is words for that too how it will be words for that in a word my life vast tracts of time
I hear me again murmur me in the mud and am again
the journey I made in the dark the mud straight line sack tied to my neck never quite fallen from my species and I made that journey
then something else and I didn't make it then again and I made it again
and Pim how I found him made him suffer made him speak and lost him and all that while it lasts I had it all when the panting stops
and how there are three of us four a million and there I am always was with Pim Bom and another and 999997 others journeying alone rotting alone martyring and being martyred oh moderately listlessly a little blood a few cries life above in the light a little blue little scenes for the thirst for the sake of peace
and how there cannot be only three of us only four only a million and there I am always was with Pim Bom innumerable others in a procession without end or beginning languidly wending from left to right straight line eastward strange in the dark the mud sandwiched between victim and tormentor and how these words not weak enough most of them not quite enough
or alone and no further problem never any Pim never any Bom never any journey never anything but the dark the mud the sack perhaps too it seems constant too and this voice which knows not what it says or I hear wrong which if I had a voice a little heart a little head I might take for mine once without quaqua on all sides then in me when the panting stops faint now scarce a breath
all that all that while it lasts all those kinds of lives when the panting stops I had it all it depends on what you hear knew it all did and suffered as the case may be in the present too and in the future that's sure a matter of hearing nothing more when the panting stops ten seconds fifteen seconds all those kinds of lives bits and scraps murmur them to the mud
and finally how now the panting wilder more and more animal in want of air and to stop it again for it to stop again so wild a panting and this voice to hear it again that was without quaqua on all sides now in me when the panting stops how that will soon no doubt be possible no more
at that moment I quote on from that moment on and following I being this voice these scraps nothing more shall at last be no more but without ceasing for such a trifle end of part three and last it must be almost ended
that yes a panting in the mud to that it all comes in the end the journey the couple the abandon when the whole tale is told the tormentor you are said to have had then lost the journey you are said to have made the victim you are said to have had then lost the images the sack the little fables of above little scenes a little blue infernal homes
the voice quaqua on all sides then within in the little vault empty closed eight planes bone-white if there were a light a tiny flame all would be white ten words fifteen words like a fume of sighs when the panting stops then the storm the breath token of life part three and last it must be nearly ended
then that you have your life and that you had it the long journeys and company of your likes lost and forsaken when the panting stops to that it all comes in the end a panting in the dark the mud not unlike certain laughs but not one
or then that all begins and then the life you'll have the tormentor you'll have the journey you'll make the victim you'll have the two lives the three lives the life you had the life you have the life you'll have
hard to conceive this last when instead of beginning as traveller I begin as victim and instead of continuing as tormentor I continue as traveller and instead of ending abandoned
instead of ending abandoned I end as tormentor
the essential would seem to be lacking
this solitude when the voice recounts it sole means of living it
my life we're talking of my life
unless it recounts it the voice my life during that other solitude when I journey that is to say instead of a first past a second past and a present a past a present and a future something wrong there
refreshing alternations of history prophesy and latest news whereby I learn in turn it's no doubt what keeps me young how it was my life we're still talking of my life
how it was before Pim how it was with Pim how it is present formulation
how it was with Bom how it is how it will be with Pim
how it is how it will be with Bom how it will be before Pim
how it was my life still with Pim how it is how it will be with Bom
fleeting impression I quote that in trying to present in three parts or episodes an affair which all things considered involves four one is in danger of being incomplete
that to this third part now ending at last a fourth should normally be appended in which would be seen among a thousand and one other things scarcely or not at all to be seen in the present formulation this thing
instead of me sticking the opener into Pim's arse Bom sticking it into mine
and instead of Pim's cries his song and extorted voice be heard indistinguishably similar mine
but we shall never see Bom at work I shall pant on in abeyance in the dark the mud the voice being so ordered I quote that of our total life it states only three quarters
now the first second and third now the fourth first and second
now the third fourth and first now the second third and fourth
something wrong there
and so ordered that it is loath for the episode couple even in its twofold aspect to figure twice in the same communication as would be the case if instead of having me begin as traveller present formulation or as abandoned possible formulation it had me begin as tormentor or as victim
need then to emend what has just been said in which it succeeds by saying in its stead that of the four three quarters of our total life only three lend themselves to communication
the three quarters of which the first the journey present formulation and the three quarters of which the first the abandon formulation equally defendable
loathing most understandable if it be kindly considered that the two solitudes that of the journey and that of the abandon differ appreciably and consequently merit separate treatment whereas the two couples that in which I figure in the north as tormentor and that in which I figure in the south as victim compose the same spectacle exactly
having already appeared with Pim in my quality of tormentor part two I have not to take cognizance of a part four in which I would appear with Bom in my quality of victim it is sufficient for this episode to be announced Bom comes right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards
or emotions sensations take a sudden interest in them and even then what the fuck I quote does it matter who suffers faint waver here faint tremor
the fuck who suffers who makes to suffer who cries who to be left in peace in the dark the mud gibbers ten seconds fifteen seconds of sun clouds earth sea patches of blue clear nights and of a creature if not still standing still capable of standing always the same imagination spent looking for a hole that he may be seen no more in the middle of this faery who drinks that drop of piss of being and who with his last gasp pisses it to drink the moment it's someone each in his turn as our justice wills and never any end it wills that too all dead or none
two possible formulations therefore the present and that other beginning where the present ends and consequently ending with the journey in the dark the mud the traveller right leg right arm push pull coming so utterly from nowhere and no one and so utterly on his way there that he has never ceased from travelling will never cease from travelling dragging his sack where provisions are dwindling but not so fast as appetite
that cognizance then of the present communication be taken backward and once studied from left to right its course be retraced from right to left no objection
on condition that by an effort of the imagination the still central episode of the couple be duly adjusted
all that once without scraps in me when the panting stops ten seconds fifteen seconds all that fainter weaker less clear but the purport in me when it abates the breath we're talking of a breath token of life when it abates like a last in the light then resumes a hundred and ten fifteen to the minute when it abates ten seconds fifteen seconds
it's then I hear it my life here a life somewhere said to have been mine still mine and still in store bits and scraps strung together vast stretch of time an old tale my old life each time Pim leaves me till Bom finds me it is there
words quaqua then in me when the panting stops bits and scraps a murmur this old life same old words same old scraps millions of times each time the first how it was before Pim before that again with Pim after Pim before Bom how it is how it will be all that words for all that in me I hear them murmur them
my life ten seconds fifteen seconds it's then I have it murmur it it's preferable more logical brief movements of the lower face with murmur in the mud
of an ancient voice ill-spoken ill-heard murmur ill some ancient scraps for Kram who listens Krim who notes or Kram alone one is enough Kram alone witness and scribe his lamps their light upon me Kram with me bending over me till the age-limit then his son his son's son so on
with me when I journey with me with Pim with me abandoned part three and last with me with Bom from age to age their lamps their light upon me
their books where all is noted whatever little there is to note my doings my murmur ten seconds fifteen seconds part three and last present formulation
my life a voice without quaqua on all sides words scraps then nothing then again more words more scraps the same ill-spoken ill-heard then nothing vast stretch of time then in me in the vault bone-white if there were a light bits and scraps ten seconds fifteen seconds ill-heard ill-murmured ill-heard ill-recorded my whole life a gibberish garbled sixfold
the panting stops I hear it my life I have it murmur it it's preferable more logical for Kram to note and if we are innumerable then Krams innumerable if you like or one alone my Kram mine alone he's enough here where justice reigns one life all life not two lives our justice one Kram not one of us there's reason in me yet his son begets his son leaves the light Kram goes back up into the light to end his days
or no Kram that too when the panting stops an ear above somewhere above and unto it the murmur ascending and if we are innumerable then murmurs innumerable all alike our justice one life everywhere ill-told ill-heard quaqua on all sides then within when the panting stops ten seconds fifteen seconds in the little chamber all bone-white if there were a light oakum of old words ill-heard ill-murmured that murmur those murmurs
fallen in the mud from our mouths innumerable and ascending to where there is an ear a mind to understand a means of noting a care for us the wish to note the curiosity to understand an ear to hear even ill these scraps of other scraps of an antique rigmarole
immemorial imperishable like us the ear we're talking of an ear above in the light and in that case for us days of great gaiety in that untiring listening to this unchanging drone the faint sign for us of a change some day nay even of an end in all honour and justice
or for which as for us each time the first and in that case no problem
or of the fragile kind made for the blackbirds when to the day the long night yields at last and to the night a little later the interminable day but us this life how it was how it is how most certainly it will be not made for that a second time next per shaving and in that case no surprise to be expected either
all that among other things so many others ill-spoken ill-heard ill-remembered to the sole end that there may be white on white trace of so many and so many words ill-given ill-received ill-rendered to the mud and whose ear in these conditions the gift of understanding the care for us the means of noting what does it matter
whose his in charge of the sacks the sacks possible and food these words again the sack as we have seen
the sack as we have seen there being occasions when the sack as we have seen is more than a mere larder for us yes moments when if needs be it may appear more than a mere larder to us
those words of old in their place of old end of part three and last present formulation at the end before the silence the panting without pause the animal in want of air the mouth murmuring them to the mud and the continuation of old when the panting stops ten words fifteen words a murmur to the mud
and later much later these aeons my God when it stops again ten more fifteen more in me a murmur scarce a breath then from mouth to mud brief kiss brush of lips faint kiss
namely string them together last reasonings namely these sacks these sacks one must understand try and understand these sacks innumerable with us here for our journeys innumerable on this narrow track one foot two foot all here in position already like us all here in position at the inconceivable start of this caravan no impossible
impossible that at every journey we should have had to scale a mountain of sacks and should still have and should for ever have each one of us at every journey in order to reach his victim to scale a mountain of sacks our progress as we have seen while admittedly laborious yet the terrain the terrain try and understand no accidents no asperities our justice
last reasonings last figures number 777777 leaves number 777776 on his way unwitting towards number 777778 finds the sack without which he would not go far appropriates it to himself and continues on his way the same to be taken by number 777776 in his turn and after him by number 777775 and so back to the unimaginable number 1 each one no sooner on his way than he finds the sack indispensable to his journey and not to be relinquished till a little before arrival as we have seen
whence if all the sacks in position like us at the beginning that hypothesis such an acervation of sacks on the track nay concentrated in a little room since each finds his as we have seen his sack we are talking of our sacks no sooner his tormentor forsaken as he must if he is ever to reach his victim as we have seen if his victim is ever to be reached
such an acervation of sacks at the very outset that all progress impossible and no sooner imparted to the caravan the unthinkable first impulsion than arrested for ever and frozen in injustice
then from left to right or west to east the atrocious spectacle on into the black night of boundless futurity of the abandoned tormentor never to be victim then a little space then his brief journey done prostrate at the foot of a mountain of provisions the victim never to be tormentor then a great space then another abandoned so on infinitely
for clear as day that similarly obstructed without exception each and every section of track or segment between consecutive couples consecutive abandons according as one considers it the track we're talking of the track its sections or segments before the departures or during the journeys the panting stops and clear as day that similarly obstructed without exception each and every section or segment and for the same reasons our justice
thus need for the billionth time part three and last present formulation at the end before the silence the panting without pause if we are to be possible our couplings journeys and abandons need of one not one of us an intelligence somewhere a love who all along the track at the right places according as we need them deposits our sacks
ten yards fifteen yards to the east of the couples the abandoned according as deposited before the departures or during the journeys those are the right places
and to whom given our number not unreasonable to attribute exceptional powers or else at his beck assistants innumerable and to whom in pursuance of the principle of parsimony not excessive at times ten seconds fifteen seconds to assign the ear which Kram eliminated our murmur demands otherwise desert flower
and that minimum of intelligence without which it were an ear like ours and that strange care for us not to be found among us and the wish and ability to note which we have not
cumulation of offices most understandable if it will be kindly considered that to hear and note one of our murmurs is to hear and note them all
and sudden light on the sacks at what moment renewed at some moment in the life of the couples since it is while the victim journeys as we have seen and indeed see that the abandoned tormentor murmurs or else ring the knell while following the hearse it's possible too there's a poor light
and to whom at times not extravagant to impute that voice quaqua the voice of us all of which now when the panting stops ten seconds fifteen seconds definitely the last scraps to have come down to us and in what a state
there he is then at last that not one of us there we are then at last who listens to himself and who when he lends his ear to our murmur does no more than lend it to a story of his own devising ill-inspired ill-told and so ancient so forgotten at each telling that ours may seem faithful that we murmur to the mud to him
and this life in the dark and mud its joys and sorrows journeys intimacies and abandons as with a single voice perpetually broken now one half of us and now the other we exhale it pretty much the same as the one he had devised
and of which untiringly every twenty or forty years according to certain of our figures he recalls to our abandoned the essential features
and this anonymous voice self-styled quaqua the voice of us all that was without on all sides then in us when the panting stops bits and scraps barely audible certainly distorted there it is at last the voice of him who before listening to us murmur what we are tells us what we are as best he can
of him to whom we are further indebted for our unfailing rations which enable us to advance without pause or rest
of him who God knows who could blame him must sometimes wonder if to these perpetual revictuallings narrations and auditions he might not put an end without ceasing to maintain us in some kind of being without end and some kind of justice without flaw who could blame him
and if finally he might not with profit revise us by means for example of a pronouncement to the effect that this diversity is not our portion nor these refreshing transitions from solitary travellers to tormentors of our immediate fellows and from abandoned tormentors to their victims
nor all this black air that breathes through our ranks and enshrines as in a thebaïd our couples and our solitudes as well of the journey as of the abandon
but that in reality we are one and all from the unthinkable first to the no less unthinkable last glued together in a vast imbrication of flesh without breach or fissure
for as we have seen part two how it was with Pim the coming into contact of mouth and ear leads to a slight overlapping of flesh in the region of the shoulders
and that linked thus bodily together each one of us is at the same time Bom and Pim tormentor and tormented pedant and dunce wooer and wooed speechless and reafflicted with speech in the dark the mud nothing to emend there
there he is then again last figures the inevitable number 777777 at the instant when he buries the opener in the arse of number 777778 and is rewarded by a feeble cry cut short as we have seen by the thump on skull who on being stimulated at the same instant and in the same way by number 777776 makes his own private moan which same fate
something wrong there
and who at the instant when clawed in the armpit by number 777776 he sings applies the same treatment to number 777778 with no less success
so on and similarly all along the chain in both directions for all our other joys and sorrows all we extort and endure from one another from the one to the other inconceivable end of this immeasurable wallow
formulation to be adjusted assuredly in the light of our limits and possibilities but which will always present this advantage that by eliminating all journeys all abandons it eliminates at the same stroke all occasion of sacks and voices quaqua then in us when the panting stops
and the procession which seemed as if it must be eternal our justice the advantage of stopping it without prejudice to a single one among us for try and stop it without first closing our ranks and of two things one
it is stopped at the season of our couples and in that case one half of us tormentors in perpetuity victims in perpetuity the other
it is stopped at the season of our journeys and in that case solitude guaranteed for all assuredly but not in justice since the traveller to whom life owes a victim will never have another and never another tormentor the abandoned to whom life owes one
and other iniquities leave them dark pant wilder one is enough last scraps very last when the panting stops try and catch them last murmurs very last
namely first to have done with this not one of us
his dream of putting an end to our journeys abandons need of sustenance and murmurs
to the extenuating purveyances of every description that devolve on him in consequence
without being reduced on that account to whelming us one and all even to the unimaginable last at one stroke in this black mud and nothing on its surface ever more to sully it
in justice and the safeguard of our essential activities
this new formulation namely this new life to have done with that
sudden question if in spite of this conglomeration of all our bodies we are not still the object of a slow translation from west to east one is tempted
if it will kindly be considered that while it is in our interest as tormentors to remain where we are as victims our urge is to move on
and that of these two aspirations warring in each heart it would be normal for the latter to triumph if only narrowly
for as we have seen in the days that word again of journeys and abandons a most remarkable thing when you come to think of it only the victims journeyed
the tormentors as though struck numb with stupor instead of giving chase right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards lying where abandoned penalty perhaps of their recent exertions but effect also of our justice
though in what this diminished by a general free for all one does not see
involving for one and all the same obligation precisely that of fleeing without fear while pursuing without hope
and if it is still possible at this late hour to conceive of other worlds
as just as ours but less exquisitely organized
one perhaps there is one perhaps somewhere merciful enough to shelter such frolics where no one ever abandons anyone and no one ever waits for anyone and never two bodies touch
and if it may seem strange that without food to sustain us we can drag ourselves thus by the mere grace of our united net sufferings from west to east towards an inexistent peace we are invited kindly to consider
that for the likes of us and no matter how we are recounted there is more nourishment in a cry nay a sigh torn from one whose only good is silence or in speech extorted from one at last delivered from its use than sardines can ever offer
to have done then at last with all that last scraps very last when the panting stops and this voice to have done with this voice namely this life
this not one of us harping harping mad too with weariness to have done with him
has he not staring him in the face I quote on a solution more simple by far and by far more radical
a formulation that would eliminate him completely and so admit him to that peace at least while rendering me in the same breath sole responsible for this unqualifiable murmur of which consequently here the last scraps at last very last
in the familiar form of questions I am said to ask myself and answers I am said to give myself however unlikely that may appear last scraps very last when the panting stops last murmurs very last however unlikely that may appear
if all that all that yes if all that is not how shall I say no answer if all that is not false yes
all these calculations yes explanations yes the whole story from beginning to end yes completely false yes
that wasn't how it was no not at all no how then no answer how was it then no answer HOW WAS IT screams good
there was something yes but nothing of all that no all balls from start to finish yes this voice quaqua yes all balls yes only one voice here yes mine yes when the panting stops yes
when the panting stops yes so that was true yes the panting yes the murmur yes in the dark yes in the mud yes to the mud yes
hard to believe too yes that I have a voice yes in me yes when the panting stops yes not at other times no and that I murmur yes I yes in the dark yes in the mud yes for nothing yes I yes but it must be believed yes
and the mud yes the dark yes the mud and the dark are true yes nothing to regret there no
but all this business of voices yes quaqua yes of other worlds yes of someone in another world yes whose kind of dream I am yes said to be yes that he dreams all the time yes tells all the time yes his only dream yes his only story yes
all this business of sacks deposited yes at the end of a cord no doubt yes of an ear listening to me yes a care for me yes an ability to note yes all that all balls yes Krim and Kram yes all balls yes
and all this business of above yes light yes skies yes a little blue yes a little white yes the earth turning yes bright and less bright yes little scenes yes all balls yes the women yes the dog yes the prayers yes the homes yes all balls yes
and this business of a procession no answer this business of a procession yes never any procession no nor any journey no never any Pim no nor any Bom no never anyone no only me no answer only me yes so that was true yes it was true about me yes and what's my name no answer WHAT'S MY NAME screams good
only me in any case yes alone yes in the mud yes the dark yes that holds yes the mud and the dark hold yes nothing to regret there no with my sack no I beg your pardon no no sack either no not even a sack with me no
only me yes alone yes with my voice yes my murmur yes when the panting stops yes all that holds yes panting yes worse and worse no answer WORSE AND WORSE yes flat on my belly yes in the mud yes the dark yes nothing to emend there no the arms spread yes like a cross no answer LIKE A CROSS no answer YES OR NO yes
never crawled no in an amble no right leg right arm push pull ten yards fifteen yards no never stirred no never made to suffer no never suffered no answer NEVER SUFFERED no never abandoned no never was abandoned no so that's life here no answer THAT'S MY LIFE HERE screams good
alone in the mud yes the dark yes sure yes panting yes someone hears me no no one hears me no murmuring sometimes yes when the panting stops yes not at other times no in the mud yes to the mud yes my voice yes mine yes not another's no mine alone yes sure yes when the panting stops yes on and off yes a few words yes a few scraps yes that no one hears no but less and less no answer LESS AND LESS yes
so things may change no answer end no answer I may choke no answer sink no answer sully the mud no more no answer the dark no answer trouble the peace no more no answer the silence no answer die no answer DIE screams I MAY DIE screams I SHALL DIE screams good
good good end at last of part three and last that's how it was end of quotation after Pim how it is
Translated from the French by the author
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