ROOTE is standing at the window, looking out.
GIBBS is at the filing cabinet, examining some papers.
ROOTE
Gibbs.
GIBBS
Yes, sir?
ROOTE
Tell me …
GIBBS
Yes, sir?
ROOTE
How's 6457 getting on?
GIBBS
6457, sir?
ROOTE
Yes.
GIBBS
He's dead, sir.
ROOTE
Dead?
GIBBS
He died on Thursday, sir.
ROOTE
Thursday? What are you talking about? What's today?
GIBBS
Saturday, sir.
ROOTE
Saturday … Well, for goodness sake, I had a talk with him, when was it? (Opens his desk diary.) Recently. Only the other day. Yesterday, I think. Just a minute.
GIBBS
I hardly think yesterday, sir.
ROOTE
Why not?
GIBBS
I supervised the burial arrangements myself, sir.
ROOTE
This is ridiculous. What did he die of?
GIBBS
I beg your pardon, sir?
ROOTE
If he's dead, what did he die of?
GIBBS
Heart failure, sir.
ROOTE stares at him, sits at the desk and consults the diary.
ROOTE
Wait … here we are. Got it. Conversation with 6457 ten o'clock Friday morning. That was yesterday. Well, what do you make of that?
GIBBS
I'm afraid there seems to be a slight discrepancy, sir.
ROOTE
Discrepancy! I'm damn sure there's a discrepancy! You come and tell me that a man has died and I've got it down here that I had a conversation with him yesterday morning. According to you he was in his grave. There does seem to be a slight discrepancy, I agree with you.
GIBBS
I meant … about the dates, sir.
ROOTE
Dates? What dates?
GIBBS
In your diary, sir. (He moves to the desk.) I must point out that you are in fact referring to Friday the 17th. (He indicates a date on the page.) There, sir. Yesterday was Friday the 24th. (He turns the pages forward and indicates a date.) Here, sir. You had a conversation with 6457 on the 17th. He died on the 23rd. (Indicates a date.) Here.
ROOTE
What! (He turns the pages back.) Good Lord, you're right. You're quite right. How extraordinary. I haven't written a single thing down in this diary for a whole week.
GIBBS
You've held no interviews with any of the patients, sir, during the last week.
ROOTE
No, I haven't, have I? Why not?
GIBBS
You decided on the … 18th, sir, that you would cancel all interviews until further notice.
ROOTE
(slowly)
Oh yes. So I did.
GIBBS moves round the desk.
GIBBS
For the sake of accuracy, sir, I'd like, if I may, to point out to you what is apparently another discrepancy.
ROOTE
Another one?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
You're very keen this morning, aren't you, Gibbs?
GIBBS
I do try to keep my powers of observation well exercised, sir.
ROOTE
Don't stand so close to me. You're right on top of me. What's the matter with you?
GIBBS
I'm so sorry, sir. (He steps away from the desk.)
ROOTE
There's plenty of room in here, isn't there? What are you breathing down my neck for?
GIBBS
I do apologise, sir.
ROOTE
Nothing's more irritating.
GIBBS
It was thoughtless of me, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
Well … what was this other discrepancy, anyway?
GIBBS
(flatly)
It was not 6457, sir, whom you interviewed on the 17th.
ROOTE
Gibbs.
GIBBS
Sir?
ROOTE
One question.
GIBBS
Sir.
ROOTE
Are you taking the piss out of me?
GIBBS
Most decidedly not, sir.
Slight pause.
ROOTE
All right. You have just said it was not 6457 I interviewed on the 17th. What evidence have you got to support your contention?
GIBBS
The figures in your diary, sir.
ROOTE
Figures?
GIBBS
One figure, sir. If I may … (He bends over the desk.) … this one.
ROOTE
Which one?
GIBBS
This one. It's not a seven, sir. It's a nine.
ROOTE
Nine?
GIBBS
Nine, sir. The number is 645 … 9.
ROOTE
Good God, so it is. Nine. Well, it's not a very clear nine, is it?
GIBBS
It was in fact 6459 whom you interviewed, sir.
ROOTE
Must have been. That's funny. I wonder why I thought it was seven. (He rises abruptly.) The whole thing's ridiculous! The system's wrong. (He walks across the room.) We shouldn't use these stupid numbers at all. Only confuses things. Why don't we use their names, for God's sake? They've got names, haven't they?
GIBBS
It was your predecessor who instituted the use of numbers, sir.
ROOTE
How do you know?
GIBBS
So I understand, sir.
ROOTE
You weren't even here then.
GIBBS
No, sir.
ROOTE
I was.
GIBBS
Quite, sir.
ROOTE
I was standing where you're standing now. I can tell you that. Saying yes sir, no sir and certainly sir. Just as you are now. I didn't bribe anyone to get where I am. I worked my way up. When my predecessor … retired … I was invited to take over his position. And have you any idea why you call me sir now?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
Why?
GIBBS
Because you called him sir then, sir.
ROOTE
Right!
Pause.
But I sometimes think I've been a bit slow in making changes. Change is the order of things, after all. I mean it's in the order of things, it's not the order of things, it's in the order of things.
Slight pause.
Still, I sometimes think I could have instituted a few more changes – if I'd had time. I'm not talking about many changes or drastic changes. That's not necessary. But on this numbers business, for instance. It would make things so much simpler if we called them by their names. Then we'd all know where we were. After all, they're not criminals. They're only people in need of help, which we try to give, in one way or another, to the best of our discretion, to the best of our judgement, to help them regain their confidence, confidence in themselves, confidence in others, confidence in … the world. What? They're all people specially recommended by the Ministry, after all. They're not any Tom, Dick or … or … er … Harry.
He stops, brooding.
I often think it must depress them … somewhat … to have a number rapped at them all the time. After some of them have been here a few years they're liable to forget what names their fathers gave them. Or their mothers.
Pause.
One of the purposes of this establishment is to instil that confidence in each and every one of them, that confidence which will one day enable them to say 'I am … Gubbins', for example. Not easy, not easy, agreed, but it makes it doubly difficult if they're constantly referred to as 5244, doesn't it? We lose sight of their names and they lose sight of their names. I sometimes wonder if it's the right way to go about things. (He sits at the desk.)
GIBBS
Would you like me to place further consideration of this matter on the agenda, sir?
ROOTE
(sharply)
Certainly not. We can't.
GIBBS
Can't, sir?
ROOTE
You know damn well we can't. That was one of the rules of procedure laid down in the original constitution. The patients are to be given numbers and called by those numbers. And that's how it's got to remain. You understand?
GIBBS
Perfectly, sir.
GIBBS goes to the filing cabinet.
ROOTE
A death on the premises?
GIBBS
Sir?
ROOTE
A death? You say this man has died?
GIBBS
6457, sir? Yes, sir.
ROOTE
Which one was he?
GIBBS
You had quite a lot to do with him, actually, sir.
ROOTE
He was a man I dealt with personally?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
Well, which one was he, for God's sake?
GIBBS
You knew him well, sir.
ROOTE
You keep saying that! But I can't remember a damn thing about him. What did he look like?
Pause.
GIBBS
Thinnish.
ROOTE
Fairheaded?
GIBBS
(sitting)
Not darkheaded, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
Tall?
GIBBS
Certainly not small.
Pause.
ROOTE
Quite a sharp sort of face?
GIBBS
Quite sharp, yes, sir.
ROOTE
Yes.
Pause.
Yes, he had a sharp sort of face, didn't he?
GIBBS
I should say it was sharp, sir, yes.
ROOTE
Limped a bit?
GIBBS
Oh, possibly a trifle, sir.
ROOTE
Yes, he limped. He limped on his left leg.
GIBBS
His left, sir?
ROOTE
Well, one of them. I'm sure of it.
GIBBS
Yes, he had a slight limp, sir.
ROOTE
Yes, of course he had.
Pause.
He had a slight limp. Whenever he walked anywhere … he limped. Prematurely grey, he was. Prematurely grey.
Pause.
Yes, I remember him very well.
Pause.
He's dead, you say?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
Then why wasn't I told? It's your job to keep me informed of all developments in this building, no matter how slight, no matter how trivial. I demand an answer. Why wasn't I told?
GIBBS
You signed the death certificate, sir.
GIBBS goes to the filing cabinet.
ROOTE
Did he get a decent burial?
GIBBS
Oh, very decent, sir.
ROOTE
I don't see why I wasn't invited. Who said the last words over him?
GIBBS
There were no last words, sir.
ROOTE
(appalled)
No last words?
ROOTE rises, walks to the window, looks out.
Snowing. Isn't it the patients' exercise time?
GIBBS
Not today, sir.
ROOTE
Why not?
GIBBS
It's Christmas Day, sir.
ROOTE goes back to the desk and sits.
ROOTE
All right, that's all for now. Bear everything in mind.
He examines some papers. GIBBS does not move. ROOTE looks up.
What is it? What are you waiting for?
GIBBS
You asked me a question earlier, sir, which I haven't yet had a chance to answer.
ROOTE
Haven't had a chance? What do you mean? That I've been talking too much or something?
GIBBS
Not at all, sir. We simply passed on to another topic.
ROOTE
(regarding him)
Gibbs.
GIBBS
Sir?
ROOTE
(confidentially)
Between ourselves, man to man, you're not by any chance taking the old wee-wee out of me, are you?
GIBBS
Most assuredly not, sir. By no means. I merely feel it incumbent upon me to answer any questions you put to me, or to do my best to do so. You are dependent upon me for certain information and I feel it in the line of duty to supply you with it, especially when it is by specific request.
ROOTE
Stop mouthing! This has been a most exhausting morning. If the morning's like this what's the rest of the day going to be like? There's no system, that's the trouble. Look. The next time I ask you a question answer it and we won't waste so much time fiddling about. Things are getting much too slack around here.
Pause.
Well, come on, what was this question?
GIBBS
You asked me, sir –
ROOTE
Wait!
He leans forward on the desk.
(Quietly.) Before you go on, Gibbs, let me say one thing. Be sure that what you say is accurate. You are about to quote a question you say I put to you. I don't know what you're going to say, but immediately you've said it I shall know whether I said it, or whether I didn't. I shall know.
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
I didn't get this job for nothing, I can assure you. I shall know. Have no doubt whatsoever on that point.
GIBBS
No, sir.
ROOTE
Stick to the facts, man, and we won't go far wrong.
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
Well, what was this question?
GIBBS
You asked me how 6459 was getting on, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
(expressionless)
Did I?
GIBBS
To be quite accurate, sir, it was 6457 you enquired after, but, of course, 6457 is dead. We agreed, after examining certain discrepancies, that it was 6459 you were referring to.
Pause.
ROOTE
(expressionless)
Did we?
The lights fade on the office. They go up on the sitting room. MISS CUTTS and LAMB enter the sitting room.
LAMB
That was fun, I must say. You know you really play extraordinarily well, Miss Cutts.
CUTTS
Do I?
LAMB
Oh, excellent. I enjoyed it immensely.
MISS CUTTS sits. LAMB goes to the coffee machine.
LAMB
Black or white?
CUTTS
Black.
LAMB
(chuckling)
I must say I got the surprise of my life, you know, when you came up to me this morning and asked me if I played table tennis. What I mean is, considering we've never spoken to each other before.
He gives her a coffee.
It was really very nice of you.
Do you play often?
CUTTS
Not often.
LAMB
Well, it's a damn good piece of luck that our rotas coincide at this time of the morning, isn't it? It'll be something to look forward to, a game of ping-pong. I haven't played for ages.
Pause. He sits with his coffee.
Do you like it here?
CUTTS
Oh, I do. It's so rewarding.
LAMB
Your work?
CUTTS
Terribly rewarding.
LAMB
You've been here some time, of course?
CUTTS
Mmnn. Oh yes.
LAMB
What about Mr Roote? How do you get on with him?
CUTTS
Oh, such a charming person. So genuine.
LAMB
Yes, I'm sure he is. I haven't really … spoken to him yet. Although I expect I will be meeting him, very soon now.
He stands, walks about.
I only wish I had a bit more to do. I'm a very energetic sort of chap, you know. Tremendous mental energy. I'm the sort of chap who's always thinking – you know what I mean? Then, when I've thought about something, I like to put it into action. I mean, I think a lot about the patients, you see.
Pause.
You have quite a bit to do with them, I suppose?
CUTTS
Mmmn …
LUSH walks quickly into the sitting room.
LUSH
Have you seen Gibbs?
LAMB
Gibbs?
LUSH goes.
What a curious thing. Did you hear that, Miss Cutts? That was Lush. He asked if we'd seen Gibbs.
MISS CUTTS is leaning back in her chair.
CUTTS
Mmnn?
LAMB
Lush. Popped his head in the door just now. Asked if we'd seen Gibbs.
CUTTS
And have we?
LAMB
I haven't.
Pause.
You know, I … I haven't really got used to this place.
Pause.
Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't say this to anyone else but you, of course. The fact is, I haven't made much contact with any of the others. Hogg said good morning to me in a very nice way about a week ago when I bumped into him near the gym, but I haven't seen him since. (With sudden briskness.) No, you see, what happened was this – the Ministry said to me, I was working in one of their other departments at the time, doing something quite different – well, anyway, they called me up and they said to me – 'You've been posted.' Well, I'd heard about this place, of course. I was delighted. 'But … but what exactly is the post?' I said. 'You'll learn that when you get down there,' they said, 'but we think you've got the right qualifications.'
Pause.
That's what they said. That was over a year ago.
Pause.
And I've never learned who the man was I took over from, and I've never found out why he left, either. Anyway I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing the job I'm doing. Or if he was doing the same job he wasn't doing it in exactly the same way. The whole rota's been altered since he left, for a start. He couldn't have been doing my rota, and if he wasn't doing my rota he can hardly be said to have been doing my job. Rotas make all the difference.
Pause.
I mean, my job, for instance. I have to see that all the gates are locked outside the building and that all the patients' doors are locked inside the building. It gives me exercise, I'll say that. It takes me two hours and six minutes, approximately, to try every gate and every door, then I can stand still for ten minutes, then off I go again. I have the regulation breaks, of course. Breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. Still, I feel a bit whacked when my shift's over, I must admit. But as I said it gives me time to think – not when I'm testing the locks, of course – but in between locks – it gives me time to think, and mostly I think about the patients. I get some very good ideas while I think, honestly. As a matter of fact, I hear one receives a little token of esteem, sometimes – I mean after a certain period. I've got a feeling that mine's almost due.
Pause.
Perhaps it might even be promotion.
Pause.
Quite frankly, I can't make much more progress with this job I was allocated. There's not enough scope. I wish I could deal with the patients – directly. I've thought out a number of schemes, you know, ideas, for a really constructive, progressive approach to the patients – in fact, I've sent them in to the office. Haven't heard anything yet. I think possibly what's happening is that on the evidence of these schemes I sent in they're considering promotion. Look, I want to ask you, these schemes of mine – you know, the ones I've sent in to the office – do you think that was the right place to send them, or should I have handed them in personally to someone? The point is, who?
MISS CUTTS looks at her watch. She stands.
CUTTS
Will you excuse me? I'm afraid I have an appointment.
She goes to the door. LAMB follows.
LAMB
You're the only friend I've got here, to be quite frank. I don't seem to be able to … reach the others. Don't know why. After all, I share their interests. Wouldn't you say?
They go out.
The lights fade on the sitting room. They go up on the office. ROOTE and GIBBS are in the same positions.
ROOTE
(deliberately)
Well, how is 6459 getting on?
GIBBS
She's given birth to a boy, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
She … has … what?
GIBBS
Given birth, sir.
ROOTE
To … a what?
GIBBS
A boy, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
I think you've gone too far, Gibbs.
GIBBS
Not me, sir, I assure you.
ROOTE leans across the desk.
ROOTE
Given birth?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
To a child?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
On these premises?
GIBBS
On the fourth floor, sir.
ROOTE rises, leans over the desk to GIBBS, about to speak, unable to speak, turns, leaves the desk, walks heavily across the room.
ROOTE
Sex?
GIBBS
Male.
ROOTE sinks onto the sofa.
ROOTE
This has made my morning. It really has made my morning.
He takes a pair of glasses out of his pocket, puts them on and looks across the room to GIBBS.
I'm dumbstruck. Quite thunderstruck. Absolutely thunderstruck! This has never happened before. Never! In all the years I've been here, in all the years my predecessor was here. And I'm quite certain never before him. To spend years and years, winter after winter, trying to perfect the working of an institution so fragile in its conception and execution, so fragile the boundary between the achievement of one's aspirations and their collapse, not only one's own aspirations; rather the aspirations of a whole community, a tradition, an ideal; such a delicately wrought concept of participation between him who is to be treated and him who is to treat that it defies analysis; trying to sustain this fine, fine balance, finer than a … finer than a … far, far finer. Year after year, and so refined the operation that the softest breath, the breath of a … feather … can send the whole thing tottering into chaos, into ignominy, to the death and cancellation of all our hopes. Goodness gracious.
He stands.
As my predecessor said, on one unforgettable occasion: 'Order, gentlemen, for God's sake, order!' I remember the silence, row upon row of electrified faces, he with his golden forelock, his briar burning, upright and commanding, a soldier's stance, looking down from the platform. The gymnasium was packed to suffocation, standing room only. The lucky ones were perched on vaulting horses, hanging without movement from the wallbars. 'Order, gentlemen,' he said, 'for the love of Mike!' As one man we looked out of the window at Mike, and gazed at the statue – covered in snow, it so happened, then as now. Mike! The predecessor of my predecessor, the predecessor of us all, the man who laid the foundation stone, the man who introduced the first patient, the man who, after the incredible hordes of patients, or would-be patients, had followed him through town and country, hills and valleys, waited under hedges, lined the bridges and sat six feet deep in the ditch, opened institution after institution up and down the country, rest homes, nursing homes, convalescent homes, sanatoria. He was sanctioned by the Ministry, revered by the populace, subsidised by the State. He had set in motion an activity for humanity, of humanity and by humanity. And the keyword was order.
He turns to GIBBS.
I, Gibbs, have tried to preserve that order. A vocation, in fact. And you choose Christmas morning to come and tell me this. I tell you quite frankly I smell disaster.
GIBBS
With respect, sir, I can't see that the matter is of such extreme significance.
ROOTE
You can't? Have we ever, to your knowledge, given birth to a child on these premises before?
GIBBS
Not to my knowledge, sir.
ROOTE
Therefore we have no yardstick. As a mathematician you will appreciate that we have nothing to measure this event by so that we can with ease assess its implications.
GIBBS
I am not a mathematician, sir.
ROOTE
Well, you look like one!
He pockets his glasses, sits at the desk.
Right! There's work to be done. Find the culprit. Who is he?
GIBBS
That, sir, we have not yet been able to ascertain.
ROOTE
Why not? Have you asked the patient?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
What did she say?
GIBBS
She was … non-committal, sir. She said she couldn't be entirely sure since most of the staff have had relations with her in this last year.
ROOTE
Most of the staff?
GIBBS
According to her statement, sir.
ROOTE rubs his mouth.
ROOTE
Which one is 6459?
GIBBS
She's a woman in her thirties –
ROOTE
That means nothing to me, get on with it, what does she look like? Perhaps I know her.
GIBBS
Oh, there's no doubt that you know her, sir.
ROOTE
What does she look like?
Pause.
GIBBS
Fattish.
ROOTE
Darkheaded?
GIBBS
(sitting)
Not fairheaded, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
Small?
GIBBS
Certainly not tall.
Pause.
ROOTE
Quite a sensual sort of face?
GIBBS
Quite sensual, yes, sir.
ROOTE
Yes.
Pause.
Yes, she's got a sensual sort of face, hasn't she?
GIBBS
I should say it was sensual, sir, yes.
ROOTE
Wobbles when she walks?
GIBBS
Oh, possibly a trifle, sir.
ROOTE
Yes, she wobbles. She wobbles in her left buttock.
GIBBS
Her left, sir?
ROOTE
Well, one of them. I'm sure of it.
GIBBS
Yes, she has a slight wobble, sir.
ROOTE
Yes, of course she has.
Pause.
She's got a slight wobble. Whenever she walks anywhere … she wobbles. Likes eating toffees, too … when she can get any.
GIBBS
Quite true, sir.
Pause.
ROOTE
No – I don't think I know her.
Pause.
And you say a number of the staff have had relations with this woman, do you?
GIBBS
Apparently, sir.
ROOTE
(standing)
Well, one of them's slipped up, hasn't he? One of them's not been using his head! His know-how! Common or garden horse sense! I don't mind the men dipping their wicks on occasion. It can't be avoided. It's got to go somewhere. Besides that, it's in the interests of science. If a member of the staff decides that for the good of a female patient some degree of copulation is necessary then two birds are killed with one stone! It does no harm to either party. At least, that's how I've found it in my experience. (With emphasis.) But we all know the rule! Never ride barebacked. Always take precautions. Otherwise complications set in. Never ride barebacked and always send in a report. After all, the reactions of the patient have to be tabulated, compared with others, filed, stamped and if possible verified! It stands to reason. (Grimly.) Well, I can tell you something, Gibbs, one thing is blatantly clear to me. Someone hasn't been sending in his report!
GIBBS
Quite, sir.
ROOTE
Who?
GIBBS sits on the sofa and puts his hand to his mouth.
GIBBS
I think I know the man.
ROOTE
Who?
GIBBS
(thoughtfully)
Yes, it's suddenly come to me. How absurd I didn't realise it before.
ROOTE
Who, for God's sake?
GIBBS
I'd prefer to have the matter verified, sir, before I … bring him before you.
ROOTE
All right. But find him. The good name of this establishment depends on it.
ROOTE sits at the desk. GIBBS goes to the door.
GIBBS
What shall I do about the baby, sir?
ROOTE
Get rid of it.
GIBBS
The mother would have to go with it, sir.
ROOTE
Why?
GIBBS
Can't live without the mother.
ROOTE
Why not?
GIBBS
The mother feeds it.
ROOTE
I know that! Do you think I'm an idiot? My mother fed me, didn't she?
GIBBS
Mine fed me.
ROOTE
But mine fed me!
Pause.
I remember.
Pause.
Isn't there a wet nurse in the house? If there's a wet nurse in the house the baby can go with the wet nurse and the mother can stay here.
GIBBS
There's no wet nurse among the staff, sir.
ROOTE
I should hope not. I'm thinking about the understaff, the kitchen staff, the cleaning staff. Find out if there's a wet nurse among the understaff and get the thing in motion.
GIBBS
Don't you think the mother might miss the baby, sir?
ROOTE
I won't miss it. Will you miss it?
GIBBS
No, sir. I won't miss it.
ROOTE
Then why should the mother miss it?
They stare at each other. There is a knock on the door.
ROOTE
Who is it?
CUTTS
Me.
ROOTE
Gibbs, find that father. Come in!
Enter MISS CUTTS.
CUTTS
(to GIBBS)
Hullo.
GIBBS
I'll keep you in touch with developments, sir.
ROOTE
That's very thoughtful of you.
GIBBS goes out. MISS CUTTS sits on the sofa. ROOTE rises, goes to the sofa and sits next to her.
ROOTE
I'm exhausted.
CUTTS
You know, I think that man's frightened of me.
ROOTE
Rubbish.
CUTTS
He never speaks to me. He never says a single word to me. And not only that, he never … he never looks at me. I can only think I must frighten him in some way.
ROOTE
What do you mean, never speaks to you? He's obliged to speak to you. You're working together, aren't you?
CUTTS
Oh yes, he talks shop to me. We discuss the patients, naturally. We were discussing one of the patients … only yesterday. But he never speaks to me socially.
ROOTE
Which patient?
CUTTS
Or do you think he's taken with me? Do you think that he just finds me too attractive to look at?
ROOTE
Which patient were you discussing?
CUTTS
But I can't say I like him. He's so cold. Oh, I like men to be cold – but not as cold as that. Oh, no, he's much too cold. You know, I think I'll ask him. I think I'll ask him whether he's taken with me or whether I frighten him. I mean, one might as well know.
ROOTE
Do you know what I've just heard? One of the patients has just had a baby.
CUTTS
A baby? But how?
ROOTE
As large as life. And under my auspices. It's nothing short of criminal.
CUTTS
But how did she manage it?
ROOTE
She had an accomplice.
CUTTS
No? Who?
ROOTE
That's what we've got to find out.
CUTTS
But which patient? Who is she?
ROOTE
I don't know her.
MISS CUTTS leans back.
CUTTS
(dreamily)
I bet she feels very feminine now.
ROOTE
(vacantly, staring into space)
She's always been feminine.
CUTTS
Do you think I'm feminine enough, darling? Or do you think I should be more feminine?
ROOTE is still abstracted.
Darling. You don't think I'm too masculine, do you? I mean, you don't think I could go even further? Do you?
ROOTE
(absently, muttering)
Yes, yes, why not?
CUTTS
You do think I should be more feminine?
ROOTE
What?
CUTTS
But you always say I'm feminine enough!
ROOTE
You are feminine enough.
CUTTS
Then if I'm feminine enough why do you want me to be more feminine?
ROOTE
I don't, I don't.
CUTTS
But you just said you did!
ROOTE
I don't, I don't!
CUTTS
(at a great pace)
Because it would be awful if you really thought that I was letting you down in the most important aspect of the relationship between any man and any woman –
ROOTE
You're quite feminine enough!!
Pause.
CUTTS
You really mean it?
ROOTE
Yes. (He runs his hand through his hair.) I've had the most wearing morning. On top of everything else one of the patients has died.
CUTTS
Died?
ROOTE
Dead.
CUTTS
Oh my poor sweet, and I've been nasty to you.
She kisses him.
Let me massage you. Come into the bedroom. Let me do your neck.
ROOTE
Yes. Do my neck.
They go into the bedroom.
The lights go down on the office. They go up on the sitting room.
GIBBS enters. He sits at the low table, takes out a pack of cards and begins to play patience, very deliberately. lush appears at the head of the stairway and descends. Suddenly a long sigh is heard, amplified.
LUSH stops. GIBBS, about to place a card, stops. A long keen is heard, amplified.
LUSH looks up. GIBBS, card in hand, looks up.
A laugh is heard, amplified, dying away.
Silence.
LUSH descends the steps, enters the room.
LUSH
Hullo, Charlie.
He closes the door and comes to the table. GIBBS, after a glance at him, places another card. LUSH inspects the state of the game. GIBBS scatters the cards.
How's tricks, Charlie? (Pause.) What you been doing with yourself? (Pause.) Mmnn? (Pause.) Having a nice Christmas?
GIBBS
What do you want?
LUSH
What do you think of the weather?
GIBBS collects the cards and puts them into a card case.
GIBBS
You want something. What is it?
LUSH
I don't want anything, Gibbs. I've got something to report, that's all.
GIBBS
What is it?
LUSH
Don't get tense, Gibbs. After all, we're all buddies, aren't we? We're all in the game together.
GIBBS
You want to report something. What is it?
LUSH
Actually I want to ask you something first.
GIBBS
What?
LUSH
How's 6459 getting on?
Pause.
GIBBS
You want to report something. What is it?
LUSH
I hear she's given birth.
GIBBS
It's none of your business.
LUSH
Oh, we're all concerned, you know. We're all concerned.
GIBBS
Listen, Lush. I'm not prepared to have any kind of conversation with you whatsoever. If you've got something to report, report it and don't make a fool of yourself.
LUSH
Are you the father, Gibbs?
GIBBS sits back and folds his arms.LUSH
Or the old man. Is the old man the father?
LUSH sits.
Who's going to carry the can? Miss Cutts? Do you think she's the father? We're all terribly excited, you know. Can't think what to call it. The kid's got to have a name, after all. What do you think yourself? I think something that'll remind him of this establishment when he grows up, don't you? His birthplace. Of course, it depends on the father's name, doesn't it? I mean, the father might like the boy to be named after him. You know, if the father's name was John then the boy would be named John too. Do you see what I mean? The same name as the father.
GIBBS
You know, Lush, I don't know how you've lasted here. You're incompetent, you're unwholesome and you're offensive. You're the most totally bloody useless bugger I've ever come across.
LUSH
I can see you're in one of your moods today, Gibbs, so I suppose I'd better report to you what I came to report to you.
GIBBS
What is it?
LUSH
The mother of 6457 came to see me today.
GIBBS
The mother of 6457?
LUSH
Yes, you know. The one who died. He died last Thursday. From heart failure.
GIBBS
His mother?
LUSH
Yes.
GIBBS
How did she get in?
LUSH
That's what baffled me. It did. It quite baffled me. How on earth did she get in? I wondered. How did she do it? Why wasn't she stopped? Why did no one demand her credentials? It baffled me. Then – in a flash! – the answer came. She'd been hiding all night in the shrubbery, waiting for Tubb to leave his cubbyhole and take a leak, which eventually he did, and then she just darted in, like a shot off a shovel. Simple. We really tend to overlook the simple cunning of the simple. Would you like her description?
GIBBS
No. What did she want?
LUSH
She wanted to know how her son was getting on. She said that when her son came here she was told he needed peace and expert attention and that she would be hearing from us in due course, and that in fact it was now a year since she had seen him and she wanted to know how he was getting on.
GIBBS
What did you say?
LUSH
I said – A year? You haven't seen him for a year? But that's ridiculous. Didn't you come down for Mother's Day, or Thanksgiving Day, or for the annual summer picnic for patients, staff, relatives and friends? Weren't you invited to the Halloween Feast, the May Dance, the October Revival, the Old Boys and Girls supper and social? Dancing on the lawn, cold buffets on the flat roof, midnight croquet, barbecued boar by the lake? None of this? I never knew about it, she said. What! I said. The autumn art exhibition, the monthly concert of orchestral music in the bandroom, the half-yearly debate on a selected topic, held traditionally in the men's changing room? The pageant? The unveiling? The Festival of One-Act Plays, judged by Miss Daisy Cutts, L.R.M.B., A.C.A., our dramatic instructor? You came down, I said, for none of these activities and ceremonies through which we from time immemorial engage and channel our patients' energies? Oh dear, she said, I was never told. Obviously a clerical error, I said, I shall have it looked into. But, I said, it is a shame that you haven't seen him, since he is now departed from us.
GIBBS
What!
LUSH
He was moved some time ago, I said, to a convalescent home. But I thought this was a convalescent home, said 6457's mother. (He laughs.) Silly woman. A convalescent home? I countered, no, no, no, not at all, not at all, whatever gave you that idea? This is a rest home. Oh, said 6457's mother. I see. Well, wasn't he getting enough rest here that they had to send him to a convalescent home? Ah, Mrs 6457, I said, it's not quite so simple as that. It's not quite so simple as that. In a rest home, you see, you do not merely rest. Nor, in a convalescent home, do you merely convalesce. No, no, in both institutions, you see, you are obliged to work and play and join in daily communal activity to the greatest possible extent. Otherwise the concepts of rest and convalescence are rendered meaningless. Don't for a moment either imagine that the terms rest and convalescence are synonymous. No, no, no, no. They represent, you see, stages. Sometimes one must rest first and then convalesce. Sometimes the reverse. Either course, of course, is only decided after the best interests of the patient have been taken into account. So, I continued, you can rest assured that if your son was moved from here to another place it was in his best interests, and only after the most extensive research into his case, the wealth and weight of all the expert opinion in this establishment, where some of the leading brains in this country are concentrated; after a world of time, care, gathering and accumulating of mass upon mass upon mass of relevant evidence, document, affidavit, tape recordings, played both backwards and forwards, deep into the depth of the night; hours of time, attention to the most minute detail, unstinting labour, unflagging effort, scrupulous attachment to the matter in hand and meticulous examination of all aspects of the question had determined the surest and most beneficial course your son's case might take. The conclusion, after this supreme example of applied dedication, was to send your son to a convalescent home, where we are sure he will be content.
Pause.
I also pointed out that we had carte blanche from the Ministry. She left much moved by my recital.
Pause.
GIBBS
Thank you for your report, Mr Lush.
LUSH
No congratulations?
GIBBS consults his watch and goes to the internal telephone.
GIBBS
Will you excuse me?
LUSH
I'll excuse you for the time being, Gibbs.
He goes out.
GIBBS
(into the phone)
22, please. (Pause.) Sir? Gibbs here. I'd like to speak with Miss Cutts, if I may, with reference to that matter we were discussing earlier. Thank you. (Pause.) Miss Cutts? I believe you know a man called Lamb. He's on the staff. Yes. I would be obliged if you would collect him and bring him to number one interviewing room. When I join you, perhaps you would be so kind as to go to 1A control room. I shall be glad of your participation. Thank you.
He replaces the receiver, and leaves the room.
The lights fade on the sitting room.
The lights go up on the left stage area, including the stairway.
MISS CUTTS, followed by LAMB, appears at the foot of the stairway. They ascend. MISS CUTTS is wearing a white coat.
LAMB
But what do you think it's all about? I mean, he wanted to see me particularly, did he?
CUTTS
Oh yes. Particularly.
LAMB
(stopping)
But he didn't say why?
CUTTS
No.
LAMB
You know, I don't know why, but as soon as you said, 'Mr Gibbs wants to see you,' I felt an extraordinary uplift. Isn't it amazing? Really, I felt uplifted. I still do, I must say …
They go out of sight. The lights come up on the soundproof room. MISS CUTTS and LAMB enter the soundproof room.
It's very curious, I know, but I really feel it's … significant. I mean, why should I suddenly feel uplifted … You know, I can't help thinking, I know it's very silly of me, but I can't help thinking this is something to do with my promotion. Do you think he's read my schemes? I mean, why else would he send for me when I was on duty?
GIBBS enters the room from another door. He wears a white coat.
CUTTS
Mr Gibbs, have you met Mr Lamb?
GIBBS
How do you do?
LAMB
How do you do?
CUTTS
Would you excuse me a minute, please?
She leaves the room by the other door.
GIBBS
Would you take a seat, Mr Lamb?
LAMB
This one?
GIBBS
Yes, this one.
LAMB sits.
GIBBS
I'm delighted to meet you.
LAMB
Thank you. I must say I've always enjoyed my work here tremendously … I mean, you really get the feeling here that something … important is going on, something really valuable, and to be associated with it in any way can't be seen in any other light than as a privilege.
GIBBS
That's a very heartening attitude.
LAMB
Oh, I really mean it, quite sincerely.
GIBBS
Good. I've heard a great deal about you, you know.
LAMB
Really?
GIBBS
Yes, there's quite a lot I'd like to talk to you about, when we have the time. But in the meanwhile I wonder … if you'd give me a helping hand?
LAMB
I'd be quite delighted!
GIBBS
That's the spirit! (With no undue emphasis.) Miss Cutts, could you come down, please?
LAMB
What did you say?
GIBBS
I beg your pardon?
LAMB
Did you speak to Miss Cutts just now?
GIBBS
Yes, I asked her to come down.
LAMB
But where from?
GIBBS
From room 1A.
LAMB
But did she hear you?
GIBBS
Oh yes.
LAMB
How?
GIBBS
(pointing)
That mike. It's just been switched on.
LAMB
(laughing)
Oh, I see.
Pause.
Curious kind of room, isn't it?
GIBBS
It's a soundproof room.
Enter MISS CUTTS.
Ah, Miss Cutts. Now, Lamb, what I'd like is for you to help us with some little tests. Will you do that?
LAMB
Tests? I'd be delighted. That's what I hoped I'd be doing when I first came down here.
GIBBS
Really? Good.
LAMB
What kind of tests are they?
GIBBS
Experiments.
LAMB
Oh, I see.
GIBBS
Well, we have a very willing subject, Miss Cutts.
CUTTS
We do.
GIBBS
Oh by the way, Lamb, Merry Christmas.
LAMB
Thanks. Merry Christmas to you. And to you, Miss Cutts.
CUTTS
Thank you. And to you. (To GIBBS.) And to you too.
GIBBS
And to you. (Briskly.) Now – perhaps you would fit the electrodes to Mr Lamb's wrists.
LAMB
Electrodes?
GIBBS
Yes.
CUTTS
Could I have your hand, Mr Lamb?
MISS CUTTS brings an electrode from her pocket and attaches it to LAMB's wrist.
CUTTS
Now the other one.
She attaches a second electrode.
LAMB
What are they … exactly?
GIBBS
They're electric. You don't feel anything, of course. Best thing to do is forget all about them.
CUTTS
Now I'm going to plug in.
She bends at the wall, where, through a hole, three leads protrude. She picks up two and returns to LAMB.
GIBBS
Now she's going to plug in. You see the little socket on each of those electrodes? They're for the plug. (He watches MISS CUTTS plug in.) That's right. First plug in A, then plug in B. Right. Now you're plugged in.
LAMB
Oh, you've … got to be plugged in, have you?
GIBBS
(with a chuckle)
Oh yes, got to be plugged in. The leads go right through the wall and up to the control room, you see. We're plugged in the other end.
LAMB
You?
GIBBS
(laughing)
No, no, not me. You. Into the receiving set.
LAMB
Oh, I see. What are these … what are these electrodes for, exactly?
GIBBS
They measure electrical potential on the skin.
LAMB
Oh.
GIBBS
Engendered by neural activity, of course.
LAMB
Oh, of course.
GIBBS
Electrical impulses, in a word. You can imagine how important they are and yet how little we know about them. Right. Now the earphones.
MISS CUTTS stoops, picks up the earphones, attaches them to LAMB's head.
LAMB
Earphones?
GIBBS
Yes, same principle. Plugged in at the socket on your head, plugged in at the other end in our control room. (Cheeringly.) Don't worry, they're nice long leads, all of them. Plenty of leeway. No danger of strangulation.
LAMB
(laughing)
Oh yes. Good.
GIBBS
By the way, your predecessor used to give us a helping hand occasionally, too, you know. Before you came, of course.
LAMB
My predecessor?
CUTTS
Could you just keep still a second, Mr Lamb, while I plug in the earphones?
LAMB is still. She plugs.
Thank you.
GIBBS
Comfortable?
LAMB
Yes, thank you. My predecessor, did you say?
GIBBS
Yes, the chap you took over from.
LAMB
Oh! Did he really? Oh, good. I've often wondered what he … did, exactly. Oh good, I'm … glad I'm following in a tradition.
They all chuckle.
Have you any idea where he is now?
GIBBS
No, I don't think I do know where he is now. Do you know where he is, Miss Cutts?
CUTTS
No, I'm afraid I don't.
GIBBS
No, I'm afraid we don't really know. He's not here, anyway. That's certain. Now what I want you to do is to sit perfectly still. Relax completely. Don't think about a thing. That's right. Now you see that light up there. Ignore it. It might go on and off at regular or irregular intervals. Take no notice. Sit perfectly still. Quite comfortable?
LAMB
Yes, thanks.
GIBBS
Jolly good. Don't go to sleep, will you? We're awfully grateful to you, old chap, for helping us.
LAMB
It's a pleasure.
GIBBS places his hand briefly on LAMB's shoulder.
MISS CUTTS and GIBBS go out.
LAMB sits. Silence. He shifts, concentrates. The light, which is red, flicks on and off.
Silence. Suddenly LAMB jolts rigid, his hands go to his earphones, he is propelled from the chair, falls to his knees, twisting from side to side, still clutching his earphones, emitting high-pitched cries.
He suddenly stops still.
The red light is still flickering.
He looks up. He sits in the chair, emits a short chuckle.
The red light stops.
The voice of MISS CUTTS is heard.
CUTTS
Would you say you were an excitable person?
LAMB looks up.
LAMB
Not … not unduly, no.
The voice of GIBBS is heard.
GIBBS
Would you say you were a moody person?
LAMB
Moody? No, I wouldn't say I was moody – well, sometimes occasionally I –
CUTTS
Do you ever get fits of depression?
LAMB
Well, I wouldn't call them depression, exactly –
GIBBS
Would you say you were a sociable person?
LAMB
Well, that's not a very easy question to answer, really. I try, I certainly try to be sociable, I mean, I think it should be the aim of anyone interested in human nature to try to mix, to better his understanding of it. I –
CUTTS
Do you find yourself unaccountably happy one moment and unaccountably unhappy the next?
LAMB
It's strange you should say that because –
GIBBS
Do you often do things which you regret in the morning?
LAMB
Regret? Things I regret? Well, it depends what you mean by often, really. I mean, when you say often –
CUTTS
Are you often puzzled by women?
LAMB
Women?
GIBBS
Men.
LAMB
Men? Well, I was just going to answer the question about women –
GIBBS
Do you often feel puzzled?
LAMB
Puzzled?
GIBBS
By women.
LAMB
Women?
CUTTS
Men.
LAMB
Uh – now just a minute, I … do you want separate answers or a joint answer?
CUTTS
After your day's work, do you ever feel tired, edgy?
GIBBS
Fretty?
CUTTS
Irritable?
GIBBS
At a loose end?
CUTTS
Morose?
GIBBS
Frustrated?
CUTTS
Morbid?
GIBBS
Unable to concentrate?
CUTTS
Unable to sleep?
GIBBS
Unable to eat?
CUTTS
Unable to remain seated?
GIBBS
Unable to stand upright?
CUTTS
Lustful?
GIBBS
Indolent?
CUTTS
On heat?
GIBBS
Randy?
CUTTS
Full of desire?
GIBBS
Full of energy?
CUTTS
Full of dread?
GIBBS
Drained?
CUTTS
Of energy?
GIBBS
Of dread?
CUTTS
Of desire?
Pause.
LAMB
Well, it's difficult to say, really –
LAMB jolts rigid, his hands go to his earphones, he is propelled from the chair, falls to his knees, twisting from side to side, still clutching his earphones, emitting high-pitched cries.
The red light flicks on and off.
He suddenly stops still.
The red light is still flickering.
He looks up. He sits in the chair, emits a short chuckle.
The red light stops.
CUTTS
Are you virgo intacta?
LAMB
What?
CUTTS
Are you virgo intacta?
LAMB
Oh, I say, that's rather embarrassing. I mean, in front of a lady –
CUTTS
Are you virgo intacta?
LAMB
Yes, I am, actually. I'll make no secret of it.
CUTTS
Have you always been virgo intacta?
LAMB
Oh yes, always. Always.
CUTTS
From the word go?
LAMB
Go? Oh yes. From the word go.
GIBBS
What is the law of the Wolf Cub Pack?
LAMB
The cub gives in to the Old Wolf, the cub does not give in to himself.
GIBBS
When you were a boy scout were you most proficient at somersault, knots, leapfrog, hopping, skipping, balancing, cleanliness, recitation or ball games?
LAMB
Well, actually, I never became a boy scout proper. I was a wolf cub, of course, but I never became a boy scout. I don't know why, actually. I've forgotten … to be frank. But I was a cub.
CUTTS
Do women frighten you?
GIBBS
Their clothes?
CUTTS
Their shoes?
GIBBS
Their voices?
CUTTS
Their laughter?
GIBBS
Their stares?
CUTTS
Their way of walking?
GIBBS
Their way of sitting?
CUTTS
Their way of smiling?
GIBBS
Their way of talking?
CUTTS
Their mouths?
GIBBS
Their hands?
CUTTS
Their legs?
GIBBS
Their teeth?
CUTTS
Their shins?
GIBBS
Their cheeks?
CUTTS
Their ears?
GIBBS
Their calves?
CUTTS
Their arms?
GIBBS
Their toes?
CUTTS
Their eyes?
GIBBS
Their knees?
CUTTS
Their thighs?
Pause.
LAMB
Well, it depends what you mean by frighten –
GIBBS
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night?
LAMB
Sometimes, yes, for a glass of water.
GIBBS
Do you ever feel you would like to join a group of people in which group common assumptions are shared and common principles observed?
LAMB
Well, I am a member of such a group, here, in this establishment.
GIBBS
Which establishment?
LAMB
This one.
GIBBS
Which establishment?
LAMB
This one.
GIBBS
You are a member of this establishment?
LAMB
Of course.
Silence.
(Looking up.) Mmnn?
Any more questions?
I'm quite ready for another question.
I'm quite ready.
I'm rather enjoying this, you know.
Oh, by the way, what was that extraordinary sound?
It gave me quite a start, I must admit.
Are you all right up there?
You haven't finished your questions, have you?
I'm ready whenever you are.
Silence.
LAMB sits.
The red light begins to flick on and off.
LAMB looks up, stares at it.
We hear the loud click of a switch from the control room.
The microphone in the room has been switched off.
The red light gradually grows in strength, until it consumes the room.
LAMB sits still.
Curtain.
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