克里斯蒂安松开了手。她不再挣扎。“很遗憾，不是吗？”她耳语道，“吻一下膝盖，我就热情似火了。”
“I did a bit more than that.”
“我做的可不仅仅是这个。”
“Not much. You didn't need to, darn it.”
“不太多。你不必这么做。”
She turned her head to check on Nic, and thrilled as Christian brushed his lips down her neck, seeking out the sensitive places that had made her writhe and whimper the night before. Seeing Nic safely asleep, she relaxed a little.
她转过头去查看妮可。忽然感到克里斯蒂安的嘴唇扫过了她的脖子，想要找到昨夜使她十分受用的位置。看见妮可正香甜地睡着，不由地放心了些。
“You giving in now?” he asked.
“放弃抵抗了？”他问。
She sought his eyes and nodded.
她看着他的眼睛，点了点头。
“You're too strong to fight off,” she teased, pushing her hips up and tightening her internal muscles around him.
“你实在难以抵御。”她挑逗地说，身体凑了过去，肌肉暗暗用力。
“Oh yeah—that feels like fighting me off all right,” he agreed, settling his mouth over hers in a luscious leisurely exploration. When he finally lifted away he added, “If you really hadn't wanted me Blondie, I'd have stopped. You do know that?”
“没错，你之前的确是在抵抗我。”他同意道，嘴唇游走过她的身体，轻松又愉悦地探索了一番。当他终于抬起头来：“美人儿，如果你不想要我，我会停下来的。你知道吧？”
“Of course I know that. Did it feel like I seriously objected?”
“我当然知道。你难道还觉得我在抗拒你？”
*
Their next few days slipped by in sunshine and passion, tilting crazily from the colorful innocence of story books to the dark intensity of sensual lovemaking. Jan bound them together and held them apart. And Tuesday arrived far too fast, despite their private prayers that somehow a miracle was possible.
接下来的几天阳光普照，激情四溢，感觉日子过得飞快，他们近乎疯狂地从童话故事般的五彩斑斓、天真无邪发展为充满欲望的激情云雨。是简使他们结合的，也是简使他们分离的。尽管他们一起暗暗祈祷奇迹发生，星期二还是比想象的来得更快。
Christian grimaced as he lifted Fiona's luggage into the car. They'd tried to ignore the fact of her imminent departure all morning—both deliberately not mentioning it in case it blighted the last of their time together.
克里斯蒂安皱着眉头把菲奥娜的行李放进车里。他们整个早上都假装忽略菲奥娜马上就要离开的事实——他们故意不去提它，以免破坏了最后的相处时光。
Now it was past noon; time had run out.
现在，中午已经过去了。时间所剩无几。
He turned and fixed his most concentrated gaze on her. Begging wasn't something which came easily to him. For her he found he was willing to beg.
他回过头，全神贯注地望着她。他不是那种会去祈求别人的人。可是，为了她，他愿意祈求一回。
“Change your mind, Blondie,” he urged. “Stay.”
“你还是改变一下心意吧，美人儿。”他着急地说道，“留下来。”
All his considerable persuasion was packed into those five short words. And his hope died as Fiona blinked back tears and resolutely shook her head.
他无限的心意都汇聚在了这短短的一句话当中。然而他的心愿却落空了，菲奥娜眨了眨一双泪眼，坚决地摇了摇头。
“I have to go back to the boat, Chris. For all sorts of reasons. The company has been really good to me, letting me take all this time off for Jan. My contract has another six months to run.”
“我必须要回道船上去了。公司对我很好，为了简的事，准了我那么久的假。我还有六个月的合同需要履约。”
“Stay,” he repeated. “Contracts can be broken. I could swing it somehow for you.” He hated the desperation in his voice. The ice-cold businessman would never show his feelings this way, but it seemed the passionate lover had no choice. “What we have…what we've finally found…”
“留下。”他再三道。“毁约也是可以的。我会帮你处理好一切。”他讨厌自己声音里流露出的绝望。这个冷若冰霜的生意人从未如此展露过自己的感情。可这位热烈的爱人别无选择。“我们拥有的一切……我们终将拥有……”
Fiona shook her head again. “Chris, what we have is not acceptable to anyone but us. Think about it. How could we face your friends in Wellington? They'd treat us like lepers. They'd assume you'd just been waiting for Jan to die before you hooked up with me.”
菲奥娜再次摇了摇头。“除了我们自己之外，没有人会赞同这段关系。想想吧。我们该怎么面对你在惠灵顿的那些朋友？他们准会像躲麻风病人似的躲着我们。他们会以为你盼着简早点去世，才好来勾搭我。”
Christian gave a short frustrated curse, knowing she was seeing the complications more clearly than he was. But how could he let her go without fighting for her?
克里斯蒂安失落地暗骂了自己一句，知道她把这一切复杂的情形看得比他还要清楚。可是，他怎么可能不挣扎一下就放她走呢？
“Or even worse,” she pressed. “That we'd been together while she was sick. I couldn't stand that.”
“甚至更加糟糕。”她强调道，“他们会以为我们趁她生病就搞在一起了。我可受不了这些。”
“Six months,” he said bleakly. “You'll be so busy with your job on the liner and all your shipboard friends. What you feel for me will fade away.”
“六个月。”他黯然说道，“你在游船上肯定会忙于工作，跟海上的朋友寻欢作乐。你对我的感情会烟消云散的。”
“And you'll be fair game for the women who hunt wealthy, good-looking men,” she countered.
“这很公平啊，你也刚好是个富有、英俊的男人，是女人们的猎物。”她反驳道。
“We'll see about that,” he needled.
“那我们走着瞧。”他气恼地说。
*
But Fiona couldn't help wondering what chance she'd stand against the ambitious divorcees and well-off widows and single career women who'd be right in his face. She held her ground, dying slowly as the seconds ticked by, knowing she'd never felt worse in her life.
菲奥娜止不住地想，有那么多野心勃勃的离异女人，豪掷千金的寡妇与单身的女强人在他身边徘徊，她到底有几分胜算呢？她坐在那里，感觉自己仿佛也随着时间一分一秒地流逝，到了人生中最糟糕的时刻。
Her attempt at an early lunch was a roiling ball in her stomach. Her head pounded with blinding pain; her eyes ached with the effort of not giving in to her desolate tears.
她提前吃下的午餐此刻在胃里翻滚。脑袋更是疼痛欲裂；而眼睛则在拼命忍住悲伤的泪水。
“Call me if you absolutely have to,” she quavered. “My mobile is set up for it. I'd love to hear your voice now and again, even though it'll kill me.”
“必要时可以打我电话。”她颤抖着说，“我的手机已经开通了这个服务。我很愿意时不时地听到你的声音，哪怕这也同样使我痛苦。”
“I won't be able to smell you or taste you or feel the softness of your skin through the phone.” His voice was flat with resignation.
“可打电话没法让我闻见你的香气，品尝你的味道，或者感受你柔软的皮肤。”他的声音平淡，好像放弃了挣扎。
“You won't be able to do that even if I stay,” she countered. “We can't possibly be together so soon after Jan. Amy Houndsworth and the next nanny would know. My parents would twig what's going on. And your friends…We'd offend them all.”
“哪怕我留下，你也没法这么做。”她反驳道，“简才去世不久，我们没法这么快就在一起。艾米·杭兹华斯和下一个保姆会知道的，我父母也会意识到发生了什么。还有你的朋友……这冒犯了所有人。”
She wrenched the car door open and sagged into the passenger seat. Her fingers fumbled with the clasp on the seatbelt, and she sat with her head bowed, not daring to say any more in case she finally broke down.
她打开了车门，坐了进去。笨手笨脚地系上了安全带。她就那么低头坐着，不敢再多说半句，生怕自己会崩溃。
“I could email,” he said, once they were on the road and he'd slowed at a suitable vantage point so she could take a last longing glance back to Pounamu Lodge and its matching cottage.
“我会给你写邮件的。”他说，一上路，他就找到了合适的时机放慢车速，给她留下怀旧时刻，好最后看一眼普纳姆酒店和周边的小木屋。
She shook her head. “No. Please Christian—I don't want a day-by-day rundown of your life. The life I can't share with you.”
她摇了摇头。“不，克里斯蒂安，别这样——我不想知道你每天都做了些什么。因为我无法参与其中。”
He reached across and laid a warm hand on her thigh as he drove.“Blondie it's going to be hell without you.”
他伸过自己温暖的手，一边驾驶，一边轻抚着她。“美人儿，没有你的生活与地狱无异。”
“Yes, but maybe the less contact we have, the better. Maybe it will fade away and get bearable. Maybe you'll find someone else…”
“是的，但或许我们越少联系越好。或许我们的感情将会一点点消失，离别也变得可以承受。或许你会寻觅到另一位……”
“Do you really believe that?” he grated.
“你真这么以为？”他心烦意乱地说。
Fiona shrugged and avoided his eyes.
菲奥娜耸了耸肩，避过了他的目光。
Even Nicky seemed to catch their somber mood and was quiet on the hour-long drive back to Wellington.
甚至连妮基也感受到了他们沮丧的心情，在开往惠灵顿的一个小时里都非常安静。
*
“We've time to check out the house,” Christian offered, glancing sideways at her as they neared the city. “Do you want to? If you'd rather not, I'll call in later.”
“我们还有时间去看看房子。”开近市区的时候，克里斯蒂安余光瞥了她一眼，提议道。“你想要去看看吗？如果你不想去的话，我就晚点再打电话过去。”
“Will it be finished?”
“房子已经完工了吗？”
“The worst of it should be done. I'm expecting it'll take another few days yet.”
“最棘手的部分应该差不多好了。不过我觉得整体完工可能还需要几天。”
“Anything's better than hanging around at the airport.”
“总比在机场附近晃悠要好。”
Minutes later, they swung in through the wide gateway and rolled to a halt amongst tradesmen's vans and pickup trucks. The front door had been chocked open and a badly tuned radio blared and buzzed somewhere inside. The occasional off-key wail of a cheerful painter made Fiona cringe.
几分钟后，他们开进了大门，来到一辆售货卡车附近。房子前门被抵开了，传出里面荒腔走板的收音机的声音。屋里传出快乐的粉刷工们跑调的歌声，着实吓了菲奥娜一跳。
“I couldn't use him in the on-board concerts.”
“我绝不会雇他去船上唱歌的。”
“You're back on your ship already?” Christian's voice sounded accusing.
“你难道已经回船上了？”克里斯蒂安的声音里透露出了责备。
“No. Of course not. But I always listen…”
“不，当然没有。只不过我常常听……”
She watched as he released Nicky's harness and lifted her from the child seat, carrying her until they saw the state of the house's interior.
她看着他松开妮基的安全带，把她从儿童座椅上抱了起来，然后又看了看房子里面的情况。
“Still quite a way to go.”
“还有许多工作要做呢。”
They waded in over the paint speckled drop-sheets protecting the marble tiled floors, and on through the tangle of tools and electronics cartons. Despite the open doors and windows, paint fumes filled the air.
他们费力地走过盖在大理石地面上防止油漆泼溅的保护垫，绕过各种工具与电子元件。尽管门窗都大开着，但空气里还是始终弥漫着油漆味儿。
At least the big casual living area had been completed and was empty of mess. Christian set Nicky down and she toddled out to the lawn and her beloved sandpit.
至少巨大的起居休闲空间已经搞好了，干干净净、没有杂物。克里斯蒂安放下了妮基，她摇摇晃晃地走向草坪，去往自己最爱的沙坑。
He moved close behind Fiona and rested his hands either side of her waist.A wave of déjà vu hit so strongly she almost staggered.
他靠近菲奥娜，双手环住了她的腰肢，强烈的光景重现的感觉冲击着她，使她差点摔倒。
“We were standing right here,” she whispered, “when you first tried to make me leave.”
“我们之前就站在这儿。”她说，“那是你第一次想让我离开。”
He bent and rubbed the side of his face against hers and kissed her shoulder.
他转过身去，背着她抹了抹脸，吻上她的肩膀。
She thought of that day—five and a half weeks ago now—when she'd yearned for him to do exactly that. “Would have saved a lot of heartache if I'd gone.”
她回想着那一天——已经是五周半以前的事了——她是那么渴望他真的那做了。“我们本可以避免那么多心碎时刻。”
“I never wanted you to go.”
“我从未想让你离开过。”
“I worked that out eventually, but it was too late by then.”
“我是最后才发现的，但为时已晚。”
Christian smiled sadly and drew a deep bitter breath. “I'll miss you, Blondie. It's tearing me apart. I could arrange some business trips to Europe and come and see you.”
克里斯蒂安悲伤地微笑着，苦涩地深吸了一口气。“我会思念你的，美人儿。我的心好像被撕开了一样。我计划去欧洲出几趟差，好过来看你。”
“Not easy when we're cruising. We only stop one day at most of the ports, and I can't exactly dash off as I'd like to.”
“我们在巡航的时候，这可不那么容易。我们在多数港口只停留一天，我也没法完全离开邮轮，尽管我很想那样。”
“You trying to get rid of me?”
“你是想要摆脱我？”
“No,never.Never.It's just not so easy…”
“不，不可能。绝不可能。只是没那么容易……”
She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to stop the tears that threatened to well up and spill down her face. They stood pressed together in tense silence, his arms wrapped around her now and holding her close.
她逼着自己闭上眼睛，憋回了即将夺眶而出的泪水。他们沉默地紧贴着彼此站着，他的双手环住了她，越抱越紧。
“Keep watch on Nicky for a minute?” he finally asked. “I'll have a quick look at the rest of the house.”
“帮我看一会儿妮基好不好？”他终于开口问道，“我去看一眼房子其他部分，很快回来。”
Fiona continued to stand by the window, lost in her thoughts. She wanted very much to stay right here. Right here—with this man, this child, this life. She and Christian had not discussed a future; they'd simply hoped for the present to continue uninterrupted. A futile hope indeed.
菲奥娜站在窗边，沉浸在自己的思绪里。她是很想继续待在这里的。就在这里——同这个男人，这个孩子，一起度过这辈子。她跟克里斯蒂安并没有怎么讨论过未来；他们只希望一直就这么下去，不要被打扰。可说道底，这个愿望是虚幻的。
He returned a few minutes later, and a waft of stronger paint fumes followed him.
他几分钟后就回来了，周身散发着更为浓烈的油漆味。
“Not too bad,” he said in a resigned voice. “They seem to be taking good-enough care of the place. There are covers over everything, but it's going to take some re-arranging.” He grimaced. “And I suppose I'll have to sort through all of Jan's stuff one of these days.”
“进展得不错。”语气中有所克制，“看来他们把这个地方打理得不错。每样东西都罩上了保护套，只不过有些地方需要重新安排一下。”他皱着眉头说，“我这几天可能需要把简的东西都清理出来。”
Fiona thought of the big wardrobes of designer clothes, the expensive cosmetics, the luxurious underwear and beautiful shoes—all the things that had been part of her sister's life with Christian.
菲奥娜想着那满满一大衣柜高定礼服，昂贵的化妆品，华丽的内衣与美丽的鞋子——这些东西都随着她姐姐陪伴克里斯蒂安度过了一部分人生。
“I should have helped you with that while I was here.”
“我本该在这儿的时候就帮你做这些事情的。”
Traitor. You just want to get rid of the memories she's left behind for him.
叛徒。你只是想摆脱她留给他的这些记忆。
He shook his head. “It was too soon, Blondie. And you were in no shape for it, either. You could hardly stand up.” He held out a hand. “Come on, I'd better get you checked in.”
他摇了摇头。“那就太快了，美人儿。而且你也不方便做这个。那时候你都站不起来。”他伸出一只手，“来吧，我最好要送你去登机了。”
He cupped her nape and drew her to him for a feather-light kiss that slowly grew in intensity until all her emotions flew loose from the tight restraints she'd bound them with. Soon she clung, sobbing, to his tall frame.
他环住了她的脖子，向她落下了羽毛般的轻轻一吻，并愈吻愈深，直到她卸下心防，释放出了自己的感情。很快，她便依偎在他高挑的身形里，抽泣了起来。
*
The flight to Rome seemed interminable. The shorter hop down to Naples took her even further away from him. She twisted the links of her gold chain necklace around and around her forefinger in impotent frustration as the vast distances crawled by.
前往罗马的航程十分漫长。前往那不勒斯的旅程使她离他更远了。在越飞越远而自己却又无能为力的失望中，她的手指一圈又一圈地套弄着自己的金项链。
Any other time, she'd be looking forward to meeting friends and workmates again, to interacting with passengers from all corners of the globe, to encouraging them to take part in the on-board concerts.
别的时候，她都很期待与朋友、同事重逢，跟来自世界各地的乘客们攀谈，鼓励他们去参加船上的音乐会。
Not this time. There were only two faces she wanted to see—Christian's and Nicky's.
但不是此时。这会儿她只想见两个人——克里斯蒂安与妮基。
The ship looked magnificent at her mooring, but where once the sight of the huge white liner would have filled her with anticipation, now it dragged her spirits down into a spiral of despair.
这艘船停泊在岸口的时候看起来非常宏伟，不过曾经充分满足了她期望的白色游轮，现在只能将她拖向绝望的深渊。
The taxi driver, with cheerful Italian insouciance, murmured,“Bella, bella!”eyeing both the ship and Fiona as he unloaded her bags.Normally she would have enjoyed the too-obvious flirting and dismissed him with a cheeky grin. This time she reacted with a prim nod, hefted her luggage and crept off to prison.
那个带着无忧无虑意大利式笑容的出租车司机向她说道：“你好，你好！”一面卸着行李一面打量着游轮与菲奥娜。往常，菲奥娜会好好享受一番这样显而易见的调情，然后狡黠一笑同他告别。但这次，她只是板着脸点了点头，拿起行李走向那座巨大的牢笼。
The weeks crawled by, endless and empty. Or empty of the only people she truly wished to see. No amount of shipboard bustle, no sunny exotic destinations, could fill the huge hole Christian had ripped in her life. She lived for his occasional phone calls, and died a little more every time the connection between them was severed.
时间一寸寸过去，空洞无物又仿佛没有尽头。她无法见到自己真正想见的人。在游轮上的繁忙时刻与阳光普照的异国风光都无法填补克里斯蒂安从她心中带走的那片空洞。只有他偶然的来电才能给她些许慰藉，而每次断开的信号则又使她黯然神伤。
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