'Yes,' said another, 'he's brought us bad luck ever since we had him. Several of our brave comrades have been wounded and several more killed, and the loot hasn't been particularly good, either.'
Their leader agreed: 'Very well, as soon as he's carried this load back, which he seems most unwilling to do, I'll push him into the ravine as a present for the vultures.'
'No, no, that's too easy a death for the brute.'
They were still pleasantly arguing over the best way of killing me when we reached home again, for fear had winged my hooves. They quickly unloaded us and without giving us food or water, or even troubling to kill me, they called their wounded comrades out and returned with them at once to the cache to make up, they said, for the time lost by my laziness. They took my horse but decided to leave me behind.
The threat of death made me feel very uneasy. I said to myself: 'Lucius, why stand here tamely waiting for the last of this series of disastrous blows to fall and beat you to earth? These bandits have decided to put you to death, a very cruel death too, and they'll find little difficulty in carrying out their threat. You see that ravine with the sharp rocks jutting out from its sides? When you're pushed over, those spikes will catch you and tear you to pieces. The splendid magic which fascinated you so much has given you only the shape of an ass, and an ass's drudgery, not its thick hide; yours is as delicate as the skin of a horse-leech. Why not be a man in spirit at least and save yourself while you still have a chance? Now's the time; all the bandits are away. Are you afraid of an old woman with one foot in the grave, whom you can finish off with one kick of your lame hoof?'
'But where on earth can I go?' I continued. 'Who will give me hospitality? No, that's a stupid question; only an ass could have asked it. What traveller wouldn't be glad to mount on the back of any stray beast he met and ride off on it?' Exerting all my strength, I snapped the leather thong by which I was tied and was off as fast as my legs could carry me.
The old woman had eyes like a hawk; she snatched up the end of the thong as I charged by and with a courage that surprised me in a creature of her age tried to lead me back to the cave. But the bandits had threatened to kill me, so I could hardly afford to pity her. I flung out my hind hooves and knocked her down, but even when sprawling on the ground she clung grimly to the thong, so that for awhile I galloped along trailing her behind me. She yelled for someone to help, but that was wasting her breath. Nobody was about except Charitë, who ran out of the cave when she heard the old woman's cries. It was a remarkable scene: Dircë must have looked much the same when her stepsons Zethus and Amphion, in revenge for her cruelty, tied her by the hair to the tail of a mad bull. Charitë rose to the occasion courageously. She wrenched the thong out of the old woman's grasp, coaxed me to slacken my pace, mounted nimbly on my back and urged me on again. My own desire to escape was now reinforced by my determination to rescue the girl, as well as by the whacks which she gave me. My four feet beat the ground like a racehorse's, and I tried to answer the sweet words of encouragement she gave me by constant braying. Sometimes I turned my neck, pretending to be biting my flanks where they itched, and kissed her pretty feet.
She drew a deep breath and with an anxious upward glance began to pray: 'O blessed Gods, help me, please help me, now or never, in this time of greatest danger. And you, cruel Fortune, be kind to me for a change, please do! Surely you have vented your spite on me long enough? I swear to you, I have been in perfect torment.' Then she bent her head down and whispered in my ears: 'Ass, dearest ass, I'm relying on you for life and liberty. If you bring me safely home to my parents and my marvellous husband, how grateful we'll all be, how we'll honour you! The best food in the world will be yours for the asking. To begin with, I'll comb out your mane and braid it with my own hands; then I'll part and curl your forelocks and make them pretty; and then I'll spend hours teasing out and disentangling the matted hairs of your poor, long-neglected tail. I'll hang you all over with golden amulets, my saviour, until you twinkle like a starry sky, and I'll lead you in a triumphant procession with my slaves shouting your praises behind; and I'll make much of you all your life, bringing you nuts and titbits every day in my silk apron. But don't run away with the idea that good food, perfect leisure and a long, happy life will be all the reward you get from me; I'll have a memorial set up at home, a carved plaque picturing our flight, and I'll get some clever author to write the story out in a book for future generations to read. The title will be, let me see: "Flight on Ass-back: or, How a Young Lady of Royal Blood Escaped from Captivity." It's not a very learned subject, of course, but you'll have your niche in history: you'll be a modern instance to strengthen people's belief in mythology. I mean the stories of how Phrixus crossed the Dardanelles on the back of a ram, and how Arion piloted a dolphin, and how Europa rode across to Crete on the back of a swimming bull. And if it's really true that Jupiter was that bellowing bull, why shouldn't my braying ass be some god, or perhaps a man in transformation?'
She chattered on, sometimes sighing anxiously, sometimes hopefully praying, until we came to a fork in the road where she tugged at my halter and did her best to make me take the right-hand turning, which was her nearest way home. But I knew that this was the road that the bandits had taken when they went to recover what was left of the loot. I refused to do what she wanted and mentally expostulated with her: 'My poor girl, you're making very bad use of my services. What are you trying to do? Do you want to ride off to the other world? You'll bring both of us to our deaths, if you take that road.'
She insisted, I resisted, and while we were arguing the question like co-heirs in a law-suit about the division of landed property or, if you like, about a right of way, along came the bandits with the loot. The moon was full so they recognised us from some distance away and greeted us with shouts of ironical laughter. One of them cried: 'Whither away so fast by moonlight, my dear? Not afraid of ghosts and wandering spirits? No? What a good daughter you are, upon my word, stealing a surprise visit like this to your dear old parents. Well, it would be a shame to let you travel all alone, so we'll come with you as your escort and show you a short cut.' He caught hold of my bridle and turned me around, beating me mercilessly with a loaded stick. Naturally loth to face the death that threatened me as soon as I reached the cave again, I remembered my bad hoof and walked lame, bobbing my head up and down. The bandit jeered and gave me another whack with the stick. 'So you stumble and stagger again, do you? Your rotten hooves are good for galloping but not for walking, I suppose? A moment ago you were flying along like Pegasus.'
When we came to the hedged enclosure outside the cave we found the old woman hanging by the neck from the branch of a tall cypress-tree. The bandits cut her down, dragged her along at the end of the rope and pitched her into the ravine. Then they chained up the girl and began ravenously eating the supper which the wretched old woman had cooked for them 'with posthumous industry', as they joked. With hands and mouths full they discussed how to avenge the insult we had done them. As might have been expected in a rowdy mob like this all sorts of punishments were suggested, though everyone agreed on the death penalty.
'Burn her alive!'
'Tie her up for the wild beasts to finish off.'
'What about a crucifixion?'
'Put her through our regular series of tortures.'
At last one of them managed to calm the rest down and allow him a hearing. In a mild and pleasant voice he said: 'Comrades, the rules of our company and our reputation as humane soldiers of fortune forbid us to inflict any punishment which exceeds the crime. Personally, I should be ashamed in the circumstances if we had to fall back on wild beasts, or the cross, or the stake, or our regular tortures, or any instrument of sudden death as a means of avenging our insult. So listen to my suggestion, and let the girl live-the sort of life that she deserves. This morning, you remember, you decided to kill the ass. He was always a lazy beast and a proper glutton, and now he has shammed lame and aided and abetted our prisoner's attempt at escape. I suggest that tomorrow, instead of throwing him into the ravine, you cut his throat, gut him, and since he has preferred the girl to us, sew her up naked in his belly. Leave only her head sticking out from his rump; the rest of her body can be tucked inside. Then expose them together on a rock where the sun beats down hottest. The advantage of my suggestion is that both of them will suffer all the punishments you have rightly awarded them. The ass will die, as he has long deserved to do; the girl's head will be mauled by wild beasts and her body gnawed by worms; she'll be scorched as though at the stake, when the hot sun begins to cook up the ass's carcase; and when the dogs and vultures finally get at her guts she'll fancy herself on the cross. Yes, it's a pretty scheme when you begin reckoning out its minor advantages. In the first place, she'll be left alive in the belly of a dead beast; in the second, her nostrils will soon be filled with a disgusting stench; in the third, she'll suffer desperately from hunger and thirst; lastly, she'll not have the use of her hands to shorten her agonies by doing away with herself.'
The bandits agreed unanimously that this was the very thing. My long ears took in every word and I thought: 'O my poor body, tomorrow you'll be carrion!'
When the night drew to a close and the whole world was lit up by the splendid chariot of the Sun, a man arrived at the cave and sat down exhausted at the entrance. I could see from the greeting they gave him that he belonged to the company. After recovering his breath he said:
'It's all right about Milo's house; we have nothing to fear from the people of Hypata. You remember what my orders were after you'd robbed the place and started back here with the loot? I was to remain behind as a spy, mix with the crowd, pretend to be angry at what had happened, watch what steps were taken to investigate the robbery and identify the robbers, then return to you with a detailed report. Here it is then. A man who calls himself Lucius-his real name is unknown-is accused by everyone in Hypata of having organized the robbery: "a perfectly clear case, not mere guesswork," I was told.
'This Lucius had forged letters of introduction making him out to be a respectable person, and used them to ingratiate himself with Milo, who invited him to stay at his house and treated him like one of the family. He spent some little time there, made up to the slave-girl, with whom he pretended to be in love, took careful stock of all the bolts and fastenings of the house and found out where Milo stored his valuables. An important indication of his guilt, they told me, was that he disappeared at the very time of the robbery and had not been seen since. They said it was easy enough for him to get clear away on his white thoroughbred, which disappeared with him. His groom, who was still in the house when the constables arrived, was accused as accessory to the crime and his master's escape. The magistrates committed him to the town gaol and next day put him to the torture. They nearly killed him before they finished, and though as a matter of fact he confessed nothing that incriminated his master, a deputation was sent to Lucius's province with orders to search him out and bring him to book.'
I groaned inwardly during this report, to compare my past with my present-that happy Lord Lucius with this wretched doomed jackass. It occurred to me that the old sages had been right to speak of Fortune as blind and even eyeless, because of the way she rewards the unworthy or the positively wicked. She never shows the least sense in selecting her favourites: indeed, she even prefers men from whom, if she had any eyes in her head, she would feel bound to recoil in disgust. Her worst fault is encouraging people to form opinions about us that are inconsistent with, and even plainly contradict, our true characters; so that the villain enjoys the reputation of the saint, and the completely innocent man gets the punishment earned by the wicked one. Take my case, for instance: she seemed to have done her very worst by changing me into an animal, a beast of burden, of the most ignoble sort, too. It was a misfortune that the most hardened criminal would consider a terrible one and deserving of his sincere sympathy; yet on the top of all, here I found myself accused not only of common housebreaking but of robbing my own generous host-a far worse crime and amounting almost to parricide. I had not even been allowed to defend myself or utter a single word of denial. And now that the charge was made in my presence, I could not bear anyone to think that my silence implied acquiescence or a guilty conscience. I was tormented with a desire to speak, if it were only to say Non feci: 'No, I didn't do it.'
I roared out Non, Non again and again, but I found feci impossible to pronounce though I made my loose lips quiver with the elocutory effort. So I went on with my Non, Non!
'But why do I go on and complain of Fortune?' I asked myself. 'Could anything have been more shameless than her first trick of making me a stable-mate and fellow-labourer with my own horse?' These reflections gave way to a more immediate one: namely that the robbers were about to sacrifice me and use my carcase as a prison for Charitë in order to prevent her ghost from haunting them, as it would be bound to do if they killed her outright. I looked at my belly again and again and seemed to have the unfortunate girl already sewed up inside me.
The spy who had brought the news of my false accusation un-stitched his clothes and took out a thousand gold pieces hidden in them which, he explained, he had robbed from different travellers whom he had met on his way home. He conscientiously put them into the common hoard. Then he asked anxiously after his comrades and when he was told that some of them, in fact all the bravest ones, had since been killed in one way or another, though all had died very gamely, he suggested that they should take a short vacation from banditry and spend the time in a recruiting campaign. Some of the local lads, he said, might have to be impressed and kept loyal by a sense of fear, some would be attracted by a prospect of loot and come forward as volunteers, others would be only too pleased to exchange a life of drudgery for membership of a company which exerted an almost sovereign power. He said he had come across a tall, powerfully built young beggar and told him that he ought to make better use of his hands than stretch them out for petty charity: why not help himself with them to gold? Lack of exercise was making him flabby, and it was a pity not to enjoy the advantages of health and strength while he still had them. After some argument the beggar had been persuaded to volunteer for service with the company; he was now waiting a little distance down the road.
The bandits all agreed to the proposed vacation and decided to accept the new recruit, who seemed to have the right qualifications, and afterwards look out for others like him to bring the company up to full strength again.
So the spy went out and soon returned with the beggar. He was extraordinarily broad-shouldered and a whole head taller than the biggest of the bandits, and though his beard was still mere down, he was incomparably the finest-looking man present. His powerful chest and muscular stomach seemed to be bursting through the seams of the patched rags which served him for clothes.
His greeting as he came in was: 'Good morning, gentlemen. If you're as ready to accept me as I am to join your company, I'll be proud to be your comrade and serve with you under the patronage of the great god Mars. I'm a pretty bold fellow and always happier when blows are struck at me in battle than when gold coins are charitably pressed into my palm. Others fear death; I despise it. Don't judge me by these rags. I'm neither a pauper nor a tramp, but the former captain of a powerful bandit company which plundered and terrorized the whole of Macedonia. Haemus of Thrace is my name-one that has made whole provinces tremble-and my father was There, an equally famous bandit-captain. I was weaned on human blood, brought up in a bandit-cave, inherited my father's courage and followed in his footsteps. But I lost my entire band and all the huge treasures we had amassed. The trouble was that Mars grew angry with me because I attacked one of the Emperor's chief officers, a former provincial governor with an annual salary of two thousand gold pieces, who had lost his appointment by bad luck. Would you care to hear the story?'
'Yes, begin at the beginning, lad!'
'Very well, then. This officer, as I say, had an honourable career in the Imperial service and the Emperor himself thought highly of him. But he had jealous rivals who slandered him and got him sent into exile along with his wife the Lady Plotina-a very loyal, decent woman, with a contempt for city life, who had borne her husband ten children and now cheerfully shared his troubles. Before they went together under escort to the port of embarkation, she cut off her hair, tied strings of gold coin and her most valuable necklaces around her waist and put on man's clothes. The soldiers' drawn swords didn't frighten her and she took the greatest care of her husband; ran the same dangers, did all she could for him and behaved as courageously as the man she pretended to be. The worst part of the journey ended one evening when they sighted Zacynthus, where they were condemned to spend their exile, and sailed into the Bay of Actium. There they disembarked, because they found the swell disagreeable, and spent the night in a seaside cottage.
'We had left Macedonia and happened to be operating in that district, so we broke into the cottage, stripped it clean and got safely away. But it was a close shave, because Lady Plotina raised the alarm as soon as she heard the gate slam, running into the room where her husband was asleep and screaming: "Thieves! Thieves!" at the top of her voice. She not only roused her armed escort and all her slaves, calling on each one by name, but also shouted to the people in the neighbouring cottages to come to her help. We should never have got off without loss if her slaves hadn't panicked, every one of them scrambling off to a hiding-place.
'This wonderful woman-I won't apologize for calling her wonderful because it's the truth-then returned to Rome and appealed to the Emperor. She made out so strong a case for her husband that he consented not only to recall him from exile but to avenge the injuries he had suffered. In fact, he expressed the wish that Haemus's bandit company should cease to exist; and you know what authority Caesar's wishes carry. This wish was granted almost at once. Regular troops were sent against us and chased us night and day, until they ran us off our legs. The company Was cut to pieces and only one man escaped: myself. I managed to creep out from the very jaws of death. Dressed in a woman's gaily coloured dress, with full skirts, a cloth cap pulled over my head and my feet squeezed into a pair of those thin white shoes that country girls wear, I jumped on the back of an ass loaded with barley-sheaves, and rode safely through the whole punitive force. Nobody saw through my disguise because I was still beardless at the time and my cheeks were as smooth and red as a boy's. Even after that I lived up to my father's reputation and my own, though I confess my experience of cold steel had made me a little nervous. Still disguised as a woman I made single-handed raids on country-houses and even fortified villages and built up this small stock of gold to help me along the road.'
He ripped open his rags and out tumbled two thousand gold pieces. 'Here,' he said, 'is my willing contribution to your funds-call it my dowry, if you like. And, if you'll accept me, I'm ready to captain your company and undertake in a short time to plate the walls of this rocky cave with pure gold.'
The bandits did not hesitate. They unanimously elected him captain and produced a tolerably clean tunic for him to wear. He discarded his rags, put it on, and embraced each of his new comrades in turn. Then he took his place on the couch at the head of the table, where his election was celebrated with a supper and a grand drinking bout. The bandits told him about the girl and how she had tried to escape on my back and about the monstrous death sentence that they had passed on us. He asked where the girl was and when they took him to her and he found her loaded with chains he turned away with a contemptuous curl of his nostrils and said: 'Even if I dared quarrel with your decision, I'm not so stupid as to do that. All the same, I should be ashamed not to say what I feel about that girl and the ass. As your captain I'm obliged to make your interests mine, so please allow me to tell you frankly what I think; on the understanding, of course, that if you disagree your decision stands. My view is that wise bandits put profit before any other consideration whatsoever, even vengeance, which is a notoriously two-edged weapon. If you kill the girl by sewing her up in the ass's belly you may soothe your feelings, but there's no profit in it for anyone, whereas if you take her to some town or other and put her up for sale, a young pretty girl like that with her maidenhead still intact ought to fetch a high price. I used to do business with several big men in the brothel-trade, one of whom, I know, will pay you a really large sum for her and settle her in a suitably high-class establishment-from which she won't be likely to run away. And you'll have your revenge just the same; she certainly won't enjoy slaving in a brothel. Now, you're at perfect liberty to decide what to do, and I've offered you this advice merely because I think it will be to your advantage.'
He had briefed himself to plead on behalf of the company's funds; but he was also pleading for us, so the tedious deliberations that followed were sheer torture to me. At last they agreed to follow their new captain's advice, and at once unchained the girl. Now, from the very moment that she saw this young blackguard and heard him mention the brothel-trade and a high-class establishment her spirits had begun to rise and her face was wreathed with smiles. I felt that this was really too much and almost turned misogynist then and there: to see a young girl, still a virgin, who pretended to be deeply in love with the man who was practically her husband and with whom she would have lived a most respectable life, suddenly entranced with the idea of working in a filthy brothel! The character of the whole female sex was on trial, and the judge was an ass!
The young captain said: 'I think we should invoke Mars and beg him to get us a good price for the girl and help us to pick up a few sound recruits. So far as I can see we have neither a suitable victim for the sacrifice nor enough wine for a proper drinking orgy. I need ten lads to come with me to the nearest town and fetch back the meat and wine we need as priests of our god.'
He and ten other bandits went off, and were soon back with skins full of wine and a small flock of sheep and goats. A large, shaggy he-goat was chosen for sacrifice to Mars, patron of gladiators and bandits; and the other beasts were for the banquet. Meanwhile the rest of the company had collected wood for a huge fire and cut green turfs for the altar. 'You'll find that I take the lead not only in your raids but in your entertainments,' said the new captain. He went briskly to work and showed his versatility by first sweeping the floor and smoothing the couches, then cooking and seasoning the meat and finally serving it out to his comrades on handsome dishes, and filling and re-filling their large wine cups. Now and then he found time to visit the girl, on the pretext of fetching something that he needed from her end of the cave, and brought her food stolen from the table and cups of wine. She accepted them gladly, and once or twice when he wanted to kiss her she was only too pleased and kissed him quite affectionately in return. I was shocked. I said to myself: 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself, my girl, to trample your old love underfoot and play the harlot in this robbers' den! Have you forgotten faithful Tlepolemus and your interrupted wedding? Do you really prefer this stranger, a bloodthirsty bandit at that, to the man whom you were to marry with your parents' approval? Doesn't your conscience stab you? And suppose that the other bandits happen to catch you kissing this fellow, what will you do then? Try again to escape on my back and so sentence me to death a second time? Really, you're risking my skin as well as your own in playing that little game.'
However, my indignation cooled when I found that I did the girl an injustice; for I gathered from something he said in my hearing, not of course caring whether I heard it or not-something indirect but clear enough for any intelligent ass to understand-that the new captain was not really Haemus the famous bandit, but her bridegroom Tlepolemus! What he said was this: 'Courage, dearest Charitë, your enemies will all soon be your prisoners.' And I noticed that though he refrained from drinking much himself he continued to treat the bandits to more and more wine, untempered now with water but well warmed, so that they were gradually falling into a drunken stupor. He may even-I don't know-have doctored their drink with some soporific drug. At last, when every single one of them lay dead drunk on the floor, Tlepolemus securely trussed them all up in turn with lengths of rope and lashed them together at his convenience; after which he mounted Charitë on my back and made off homewards with her.
As soon as we came within sight of his town everyone flocked out expectantly. Charitë's father, mother, relatives, freedmen, slaves and all ran delightedly towards us and formed up in procession behind us, followed by crowds of men, women and children of every age. It was indeed a memorable spectable: a virgin riding in triumph on an ass! As for myself, I rejoiced with my whole heart and decided to identify myself as closely as possible with the proceedings by pricking my ears, expanding my nostrils and braying strenuously; it was a thunderous noise I made. When we reached Charitë's house she ran upstairs to her room, where her parents hugged and kissed her, while Tlepolemus took me straight back to the cave. He had a large crowd of his fellow-townsmen with him, and a train of baggage animals. I was quite ready to go because, curious as ever, I wanted to see what sort of prisoners the robbers made. We found them still bound fast, with the bonds of sleep as well as with cord, and the former were the more powerful. So Tlepolemus and his friends ransacked the cave, loaded us with loot, then rolled some of the bandits over a near-by precipice without troubling to uncord them first; they beheaded the rest with their own swords and left their corpses lying in the cave.
We returned in triumph, exulting in the completeness of our vengeance, and handed in the loot at the public treasury, after which Charitë's interrupted wedding was duly concluded by her being escorted to Tlepolemus's house. She was a fine girl and put herself to the greatest trouble on my account. She called me her saviour, and on the wedding night ordered my manger to be filled with barley to the brim, and gave me hay enough to satisfy a Bactrian camel. But what sufficiently lurid curses could I heap on the head of Fotis, for having turned me into an ass rather than a hound, when I saw the dogs of the household gorged nearly to bursting on the meat left over from that princely wedding breakfast or stolen from the kitchen?
The next morning, after what I am sure was a wonderful initiation into the mysteries of sex, the radiant bride told her parents and husband how greatly indebted she was to me, and refused to change the subject until they promised to reward me with the highest possible honours. So they called a council of their wisest and most responsible friends to decide what form these honours should take. One suggested that I should be kept in a stable, excused from all work and fed continuously on the best barley, beans and vetch; but another had more consideration for my love of liberty and suggested that I should run wild in the meadows and father a set of fine mules for my mistress on her brood-mares that were pasturing there; and this was the decision that they finally adopted. So the bailiff of the stud-farm was sent for and I was handed to him with careful injunctions about my good treatment. I trotted gaily off with him, delighted at the prospect of being at last free from packs and bundles and at liberty to run about the meadows until spring came with its new crop of blossoms, when somewhere or other I would find roses growing. It occurred to me that if my master and mistress showed me such gratitude while I was still an ass, they would probably show me even more once I was restored to my proper shape.
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