One moonless night a farmer from the next village lost his way in the dark, got drenched to the skin and turned his exhausted horse into our holding. My master received him hospitably and made him as comfortable as possible, considering the badness of the weather and the poverty in which we lived; at least he managed to get some much needed sleep and showed his gratitude next day by inviting my master to visit him, and promising him a present of corn, oil, and a couple of wine-kegs. He jumped at the offer, and taking with him a sack for the corn, and some empty leather bottles for the oil, rode me along to the farm, which was some seven miles away.
The farmer had gone ahead and on our arrival generously invited my master to join him in a good square meal. They were busily drinking each other's health and chatting jovially when a very startling thing happened. A hen ran cackling around the farmyard as though she badly wanted to lay an egg. The farmer saw her and said: 'You're a good girl, you lay more eggs than any other hen in the run. There's been one a day from you for the last month or more, and now I see you're anxious to contribute something to our dinner… Hey, boy!' he called to one of his slaves-'put the basket in the corner where she always lays.'
The basket was fetched but the hen refused to go into it. Instead, she ran up to her master and laid something at his feet. It was not an egg but an ominous anachronism: a fully fledged chicken, with claws, eyes and all complete, which immediately ran cheeping after its mother.
This was followed by another prodigy, startling enough to make the bravest man sweat with fear: the stone floor under the table seemed suddenly to split open and a gaping chasm appeared, filled with a bubbling fountain of blood, drops of which flew up and bespattered the cups and dishes. While everyone sat staring in horror and dismay at this monstrous apparition, wondering what it portended, a slave ran in from the cellar, to report that the wine, which had been racked-off some time before, was working again in the jars and spilling over on the cellar floor, as though a big fire had been lighted underneath. Next, a pack of weasels approached the house and dragged a dead snake inside. Finally, a small green frog jumped out of the sheep-dog's mouth, and an old ram which was standing close by leaped at the dog and severed its windpipe with a single bite. This horrible sequence of wonders so dumbfounded the farmer and his family that they had no notion how they stood or what they ought to do. Clearly, the anger of the gods must be averted with sacrifices, but with what sort of sacrifices? Which of all these prodigies was the most serious? Which had the first claim on their attention, and which could safely be left to be dealt with later? They sat at a loss, goggling and gaping, ready for the worst.
At last another slave ran in with news of a terrible visitation. It should be explained that the farmer was the proud father of three sons, now grown-up, well-educated and highly respectable. They had long been friendly with a poor neighbour whose cottage stood next to the estate of a young nobleman, one who made very bad use of the power that his wealth and family connexions gave him. He employed an army of retainers and slaves, kept the whole district under his thumb, and had lately been treating his poor neighbour very high-handedly: slaughtering his sheep, driving off his oxen, and trampling down his green corn. He was now trying to dispossess him of his land as well, by a fictitious claim that it fell wholly within the boundaries of his own estate.
The poor man, though mild and inoffensive, did not enjoy being robbed by his rich, greedy neighbour and asked a number of his friends to help him determine what exactly were the limits of his family property; he told them that he hoped to keep enough of it at least to dig himself a grave. Among these friends were the three brothers, who saw that he was in great distress and determined to give him whatever help they could. But the nobleman was so madly resolved on crushing the poor man that, far from being alarmed or even impressed by the arrival of so many of his fellow-citizens, he refused to relinquish his thieving claims. He would not even keep a civil tongue in his head. They offered themselves as arbitrators, courteously pointing out the impropriety of trying to gain possession of what was not legally his; but for all their sweet reasonableness he continued insolent as ever and at last solemnly swore that he and his family would rather die than submit to any such interference-so to hell with arbitration and the whole pack of busybodies!
'Hey, slaves,' he shouted, 'take the fellow by the ears, haul him away from here and make sure he's never seen around these parts again.'
Everyone was scandalized, and one of the brothers spoke out at once, telling the nobleman that rich though he was, his threats carried no weight. He was wasting his words: the Law was so humane that even the poorest man could always get redress for the encroachments of an arrogant neighbour.
This retort was like oil to a lighted wick, or sulphur to a bonfire, or a cat-o'-nine-tails to a Fury: it roused him to a perfect frenzy of rage. 'Be damned to you, and be damned to the Law!' he yelled, and ordered his men to let loose all the dogs on the estate, watch-dogs, sheep-dogs and all-blood-thirsty beasts, trained to worry the carcases of animals that had fallen dead in the fields and to fasten their teeth in the legs of casual trespassers and hold on tight.
'At 'em, boys!' shouted the shepherds, and the dogs rushed, barking horribly, at the poor man's supporters and began mauling them. They tried to escape but the dogs pursued them, and the faster they ran, the more furiously they were attacked. The youngest of the three brothers happened to stumble as he ran and stubbed his toes against a stone. Down he fell, and the dogs leaped on him and savaged him, ripping great pieces of flesh off his bones and swallowing them. The others heard his screams and turned back to his rescue, muffling their left arms with their cloaks and picking up large stones to drive off the dogs. But nothing could be done. The brutes had tasted blood and would not let go, so he was torn to pieces before their very eyes. His dying words were: 'Avenge me, brothers!'
With a complete disregard of the consequences they rushed at the dastardly nobleman and pelted him with stones. But he had played this game of forcible enclosure several times before and was too old a hand to be taken by surprise. He hurled a javelin at one of them and drove it through his body; yet, though it wounded him mortally, he did not fall. The point lodged in the earth on the other side and the greater part of the haft followed it, leaving him writhing transfixed, with his body off the ground. Then a big, tall fellow, one of the murderer's retainers, let fly with a stone at the remaining brother from some way off, trying to put his arm out of action. It grazed his fingers and glanced off, but everyone thought it had injured him seriously, which gave the quick-witted young fellow the chance of avenging his brothers. Pretending that his hand was disabled, he shouted at the nobleman: 'Very well, then, enjoy your glorious triumph over our whole family, glut your vindictive heart with the blood of my two brothers and me! And finish your unholy task while you are about it: look, one or two of your fellow-citizens are still lying insensible on the ground over there. But remember this: that when you have thrown my poor friend out of his cottage, however far you push the boundaries of your estate, you'll always have neighbours of one sort or another. Meanwhile, consider yourself lucky that a cur色d stone has left my hand hanging numb and powerless: I should certainly have used it to cut off your head.'
The exasperated nobleman drew his sword and rushed forward, intending to finish him off with a single blow. What followed was quite unexpected. He had picked a quarrel with a better man than himself. His sword hand was caught in a powerful grip, the weapon wrested from him, and he was struck on the head with it again and again until his wicked spirit was parted from his body.
The retainers came rushing to the rescue, but the victor was too quick for them. The sword, still dripping with the nobleman's blood, served to cut his own throat.
***
This was the news that the prodigies had foreshadowed. The farmer, his heart broken by the weight of his misfortunes, could not utter so much as a single word, nor shed a tear. He picked up the knife with which he had just been cutting cheese for his guests, and used it on his own throat, just as his son had used the nobleman's sword. Then he fell face forward on the table and the stream of blood from his severed arteries washed away the visionary stains that had fallen on it from the fountain under the floor.
My master condoled with everyone present on the sudden violent extinction of his host's family. He was deeply disappointed at having to go away with nothing in his sacks or bottles, but showed his gratitude for the meal by bursting into tears and wringing his empty hands. Then he mounted on my back and rode home again by the same road we had taken.
It was an unlucky journey. We were stopped by a tall Roman soldier, a centurion, who asked my master in haughty tones: 'Where are you riding that pack-ass?' My master was still a little dazed and confused by the prodigies he had just witnessed and, knowing no Latin, disregarded the question and rode on. His silence offended the centurion, who could not refrain from striking him on the head with his vine-rod and hauling him off my back. My master then replied meekly: 'I'm sorry, Sir. I don't understand your language, so I didn't know what you said just now.'
The centurion spoke in Greek this time: 'Where are you riding that ass?'
'To the nearest village.'
'Well, I need him. The Colonel's baggage has to be carried from the fort and we're short of pack animals.' He caught hold of my halter and began leading me back along the road.
Wiping away the blood that trickled down his face from the cut made by the vine-rod, my master begged the centurion to treat him in a more comradely way. 'And if you do so, Sir,' he said, 'I'm sure that it will bring you good luck. Anyhow, this is a very lazy ass, and has that cursed disease, Sir, that's called the falling sickness. It's as much as he can do to carry a few bundles of green-stuff to market from my little holding: he's all blown at the finish. Load him up with a real burden and you'll break his heart.'
But the cruel soldier would not listen to a word of all this. When my master realized that he was resolved to steal me and that he had shifted his grip on the vine-rod and was about to bash in his head with the knobbed end, he took desperate action.
Pretending to clasp the soldier's knees in suppliant style he tackled him low, pulled both legs from under him, and brought him down with a crash on the back of his head. Then he jumped on him, hit him, pounded him all over-face, arms and ribs-first with his fists and elbows and then with a stone he grabbed from the road. Once he was down, the centurion could offer no resistance; all he could do was to gasp out threats of how he would punish my master as soon as he was on his legs again. He swore he would make mincemeat of him with his sword.
This gave my master timely warning: he snatched the sword out of the scabbard, threw it as far away as he could and gave the centurion an even harder pounding than before. He lay on his back so bruised and wounded that he was incapable of rising and his only hope of escaping with his life was to sham dead. My master then retrieved the sword, mounted me again, and galloped me straight back to the village. Not caring to go home, for the time being at least, he rode me up to the house of a close friend of his, a shopkeeper, where he made a clean breast of what he had done to the centurion and implored his protection. 'Hide me and my ass somewhere safe for a couple of days until this trouble blows over. If they catch me they'll kill me.'
The shopkeeper at once undertook to help him for the sake of old times. They tied my legs together and dragged me upstairs into the attic, but my master stayed in the shop on the ground floor, where he climbed into a chest and pulled down the lid.
Meanwhile, as I heard later, the centurion tottered into the village like a man trying to walk off a drunken stupor, dazed with the pain of his injuries and leaning heavily on his rod. Pride kept him from telling any of the villagers the story of his ignominious defeat at my master's hands, so he silently swallowed the disgrace. Presently he met some of his comrades, who advised him to lie low for awhile in the barracks. Not only would he forfeit his honour as a soldier if it were known that a market-gardener had given him such a knocking-about, but the loss of his sword was equivalent in military law to desertion, a breaking of the oath of loyalty he had sworn to the Emperor. They undertook to search for my master and me, if he gave them a description of us, and avenge the regimental honour.
As might have been expected, a cruel neighbour betrayed us; so they went to the civil magistrate and told him that they had dropped a valuable silver cup on the road, the property of their commanding officer, and that a market-gardener had found it, refused to give it up and was now hiding in a neighbour's house. The magistrate noted the officer's name, and other particulars, then came to the door of the shop, where he announced loudly that he had good reason to believe that we were concealed about the premises, and that if the owner failed to deliver my master to justice he might find himself sentenced to death on the charge of harbouring a felon.
The shopkeeper was a brave fellow and a true friend: he replied that he knew nothing at all about us and that he had not seen my master for some days. But the soldiers, swearing in the Emperor's own name, insisted that he was somewhere in that house and nowhere else. The magistrate then consented to make a close search of the premises, to find out how much truth there was in the shopkeeper's obstinate denial. He sent in the constables and other local officials with an order to search the house from top to bottom; but they came out with the report that they could find neither ass nor man, either upstairs or down. The dispute grew hot on both sides, the soldiers swearing in the Emperor's name that they knew for certain we were there, the shopkeeper swearing by all the gods of Olympus that they were telling lies.
I was an inquisitive and restless ass, as you know, and when I heard angry voices raised outside, I craned my neck a little way out of the attic window to discover, if I could, what all the fuss was about. One of the soldiers happened to be looking up at the time. He was not standing where he could see me but his eye was caught by the shadow of my head and ears which was thrown on the wall of the next house. 'Look, look!' he said. All the soldiers shouted, burst into the shop, rushed upstairs to my hiding place and hauled me down. Then they made a thorough search of the shop itself, and when they opened the chest, there was my poor master. They dragged him out for the magistrate's inspection, and he was taken to gaol on the capital charge of robbing a Roman officer.
The notion of my peering out of the window so tickled the soldiers that they joked about it for days; and someone combined two well-known proverbs[7] into the catchword: 'All because of a peeping ass's shadow', which is now current all over the country. What became of my master next day, or his friend the shopkeeper, I have no notion, but the centurion who had been so well punished for his haughtiness led me away from the manger where I had been tied up. There was nobody to prevent him. He took me to what I suppose was his billet, where he loaded me up and made quite a military figure of me. On the top of his towering pile of baggage and equipment he had placed a twinkling brass helmet, a shield so highly polished that it hurt one's eyes to look at it, and a javelin with a remarkably long haft. This arrangement, which made us look rather like a miniature army coming down the road, was not prescribed in regimental orders but intended to overawe civilians. We went across a plain by a good road and finally came to a small town where we put up, not at an inn but at the house of a municipal councillor. The centurion left me there in charge of a slave and reported at once to his colonel.
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